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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some scientists believe that studying the behavior of 3-year-old children can predict their criminality. To what extent do you think a crime is a product of human nature, or is it possible to stop children from growing up to be criminals?

Some researchers have found that relevant relationships
between
Verb problem
exist between
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3 years old
Correct your spelling
3-year-old
kids
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'
behaviors
Use the right word
behaviours
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 and their
protential
Correct your spelling
potential
 criminality in the future, which leads to a belief that some measures should be taken to prevent them from becoming criminals. It seems
seasonable
Correct word choice
sensible
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 because it tries to decrease
crime
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 in advance.
However
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, concerning the belief that
people
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from
Change preposition
of
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 all ages should be stopped from breaking the law, I think
crime
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 is not just a product of human nature
and
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, and
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 it is impossible to stop crimes by only focusing on
kids
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. Crimes come from many factors. The
main two
Correct word order
two main
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 factors
stimulate
Correct pronoun usage
that stimulate
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people
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 to
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Verb problem
commit crime
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crime
Fix the agreement mistake
crimes
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 are their unsatisfied desires and
little
Correct word choice
limited
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 knowledge of
rules
Correct article usage
the rules
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.
For instance
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, students who are under great pressure to get high grades will try to
plaigerise
Correct your spelling
plagiarise
 or cheat in exams.
Therefore
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, what
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society should do is
provides
Wrong verb form
provide
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 multiple choices and resources to make
people
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 achieve their own values and live a better life. What is more, mental health
caring
Replace the word
care
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 and law education should be fostered because some
people
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 just can not
conrtol
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control
 themselves
due to
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 psychological illnesses or just do not know the rules. It is undeniable that
genetical
Replace the word
genetic
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 factors will influence children's
possiblity
Correct your spelling
possibility
 to become criminals
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such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as
Correct article usage
a violence
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violence
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violent
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 tendency.
In contrast
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, life experience when growing up
especially
Punctuation problem
, especially
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 during the period with parents,
affacts
Correct your spelling
affects
 more on how children will become.
For example
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, whether parents scold or just educate their
kids
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make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
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 a lot of difference.
Thus
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, scientists should focus more on parenting and education quality in schools, rather than defining little
kids
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 to be future criminals, which
also
Linking Words
affacts
Correct your spelling
affects
kids
Use synonyms
'
self recoginition
Correct your spelling
self-recognition
. Cutting down rates of
crime
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 should be everyone's affair but not only babies'.

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task response
Make sure to clearly state your position in the introduction and conclusion. This will help guide your reader.
coherence cohesion
Use clear topic sentences for each paragraph to help connect your ideas.
coherence cohesion
Check your spelling and grammar to improve clarity and readability.
task response
Include specific examples that tie directly to your main points.
task response
Your ideas about the influence of society and parenting on crime are thoughtful.
task response
You address several factors that contribute to criminal behavior, showing a good understanding of the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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