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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph shows data about the annual earnings of three bakeries in Calgary, 2000-2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The graph shows data about the annual earnings of three bakeries in Calgary, 2000-2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The line graph illustrates the information about
yearly
Correct article usage
the yearly
show examples
 earnings of three bakeries in the city of
calgary
Fix capitalization
Calgary
show examples
 for a decade from 2000 to 2010.
Overall
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
mari
Fix capitalization
Mari Bakeshop
show examples
bakeshop
Use synonyms
 was
highest
Correct article usage
the highest
show examples
 seller
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
start
Correct article usage
the start
show examples
 of the period and
were
Verb problem
had
show examples
lowest
Correct article usage
the lowest
show examples
 customer in
end
Correct article usage
the end
show examples
 of the period.
In addition
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
bolo
Fix capitalization
Bolo Cakery
show examples
cakery
Use synonyms
 and
Use synonyms
amandine
Fix capitalization
Amandine Bakery
show examples
bakery
Use synonyms
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 increased their customer
in
Check wording
base in
show examples
Linking Words
last
Correct article usage
the last
show examples
 four years, and took over the
sale
Use synonyms
 of
Use synonyms
mari
Fix capitalization
Mari Bakeshop
show examples
bakeshop
Use synonyms
.
Firstly
Linking Words
, the
Use synonyms
mari
Fix capitalization
Mari Bakeshop
show examples
bakeshop
Use synonyms
 was selling the highest
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the end of
20th
Correct article usage
the 20th
show examples
 century with $8000, and gained
their
Fix the agreement mistake
its sales
show examples
sale
Use synonyms
 for
next
Correct article usage
the next
show examples
 year. After
that
Add a comma
that,
show examples
 the
sale
Use synonyms
has
Verb problem
was
show examples
 negatively impacted for
following
Correct article usage
the following
show examples
 two years,
while
Linking Words
 in
next
Correct article usage
the next
show examples
 year
Use synonyms
bakery
Correct article usage
the bakery
show examples
 gained
their
Fix the agreement mistake
its sales
show examples
sale
Use synonyms
 again for more than $9000.
Moreover
Linking Words
, after
year
Check wording
apply
show examples
2004
Add a comma
2004,
show examples
 the
Use synonyms
sale
Fix the agreement mistake
sales
show examples
was
Verb problem
apply
show examples
decreased suddenly and
Use synonyms
sale
Fix the agreement mistake
sales
show examples
 for 2010
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 $4000, which is the lowest in the period.
Lastly
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
bolo
Fix capitalization
Bolo Cakery
show examples
cakery
Use synonyms
 and
Use synonyms
amandine
Fix capitalization
Amandine Bakery
show examples
bakery
Use synonyms
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 low income compared to
Use synonyms
mari
Fix capitalization
Mari Bakeshop
show examples
bakeshop
Use synonyms
.
Amandine
Use synonyms
bakery
Use synonyms
has
Wrong verb form
had
show examples
 constant
Use synonyms
sale
Fix the agreement mistake
sales
show examples
 until 2005 with around $5600,
while
Linking Words
Use synonyms
bolo
Fix capitalization
Bolo Cakery
show examples
cakery
Use synonyms
 increased
their
Fix the agreement mistake
its sales
show examples
sale
Use synonyms
 from 2002 to 2003 with around $4000
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 the
Use synonyms
sale
Fix the agreement mistake
sales
show examples
 for
Use synonyms
bolo
Fix capitalization
Bolo Cakery
show examples
cakery
Use synonyms
was
Verb problem
apply
show examples
remained
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 for
following
Correct article usage
the following
show examples
 three years.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the customer
was
Use the right word
base
show examples
 increased for both bakeries and the
Use synonyms
sale
Fix the agreement mistake
sales
show examples
was
Verb problem
apply
show examples
climbed gradually and
surpass
Wrong verb form
surpassed
show examples
 the
Use synonyms
sale
Fix the agreement mistake
sales
show examples
 of
Use synonyms
mari
Fix capitalization
Mari Bakeshop
show examples
bakeshop
Use synonyms
.
Amandine
Use synonyms
bakery
Use synonyms
 finished
Use synonyms
sale
Fix the agreement mistake
sales
show examples
 with more than $10,000
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
Use synonyms
bolo
Fix capitalization
Bolo Cakery
show examples
cakery
Use synonyms
 reached more than $6000
Use synonyms
Change preposition
in sale
show examples
sale
Fix the agreement mistake
sales
show examples
.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
▼
Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words mari, bakeshop, bolo, cakery, amandine, bakery, sale with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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