IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe t hat violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on the society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence in people’s behavior. What is your opinion?

Nowadays, we see content on TV and
Use synonyms
games
Change preposition
in games
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, which is very violent in nature.
This
Linking Words
 trend has sparked a debate among people, whether it has a bad effect on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society or not.
However
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, I am having a balanced stance on
this
Linking Words
, and reasons to support my viewpoint are elaborated in the following paragraphs.
To begin
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 with, those who think violence is deteriorating our society assert that continuous exposure to violent
stuff
Check wording
content
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 can change our psychology to accept it as a normal trend. As a matter of fact, it has
seen
Verb problem
been seen
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 that people are becoming insensitive to violence, because their brains have seen it many times on the media and it has accepted
this
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 change, which is not normal. To illustrate, recently
many
Punctuation problem
, many
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 incidents of firing have been reported in the USA, where many accused have said that they got
such
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 ideas from many
web-series
Use the right word
web series
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 and video
games
Use synonyms
,
such
Linking Words
 as PUB-G.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it is a widely
acceptable
Replace the word
accepted
show examples
 fact that
showcase
Correct article usage
the showcase
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 of violence
on
Change preposition
in
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 mass media is altering our psychology to accept it as a part of daily life.
On the other hand
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, those who are in disagreement opine, whether to behave violently or not is a matter of personal choice, and
this
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 has nothing to do with
the
Correct article usage
apply
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television and video
games
Use synonyms
. In fact, it has been seen that criminal behaviour and unlawful activities are generally done under peer pressure and personal circumstances.
For example
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, Darbara Singh was a serial killer caught in Punjab, and in his
confession
Add a comma
confession,
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 he said that he always had criminal thoughts in his mind and they were triggered by his friends and family.
Hence
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, it is not justified to put
blame
Correct article usage
the blame
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 solely on
media
Correct article usage
the media
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, because if
some
Correct determiner usage
an
show examples
 individual is going
on
Change preposition
down
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a
Correct article usage
the
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 wrong track, it is a matter of personal choices and circumstances. In conclusion, undoubtedly to some extent the violent content shown on TV and video
games
Use synonyms
 is influencing people's behaviour, but
individuals
Check wording
individuals'
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 will is
also
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 an important factor, which
determine
Correct subject-verb agreement
determines
show examples
 their actions.

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task achievement
Your introduction provides a clear stance but could benefit from a clearer thesis statement that outlines your main points.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph clearly relates to the main argument. The paragraphs are somewhat connected but could use smoother transitions to enhance flow.
task achievement
In your examples, make sure they directly support your points. Some examples could be elaborated further for clarity and relevance.
content
You presented both sides of the argument, which shows a balanced view.
content
Your writing demonstrates a good understanding of the topic, and you have included relevant examples.
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