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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart shows the number of hours worked per week by men and women in Australia

The bar chart shows the number of hours worked per week by men and women in Australia
The bar chart compares
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the number of
hours
Use synonyms
 jobs by
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 and
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 in Australia.
Overall
Linking Words
,
while
Linking Words
 the percentage of
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
 is the highest around the average working
hours
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
per week among others. There is
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
biggest
Replace the word
big
show examples
 difference
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 percentage of
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
, which are 5 and 15 from 0 to 10
hours
Use synonyms
.
Additionally
Linking Words
, the percentage of
women
Use synonyms
 is more than 20
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 work 10-20
hours
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 week.
However
Linking Words
, there are
less
Fix the agreement mistake
fewer
show examples
men
Use synonyms
 who are just upper
10
Correct your spelling
10%
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 spend at the same time for work.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the proportion of males
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 approximately 43, making them more than females,
which
Fix the agreement mistake
who
show examples
 are 35 in 30-50
hours
Use synonyms
. By 60 - 80
Use synonyms
hours
Punctuation problem
hours,
show examples
 there is the largest difference between
female
Check wording
men
show examples
 and
women
Use synonyms
. 30
percent
Use the right word
per cent
show examples
 of
men
Use synonyms
 spend 60-80
hours
Use synonyms
 compared to just under 20 which spend
time
Check wording
of women
show examples
.
In addition
Linking Words
, the
figure
Check wording
number
show examples
 of males and females is
the
Change preposition
at the
show examples
 same level in over 80
hours
Use synonyms
, which is 10.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words hours, men, women with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "number of" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "compares" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "difference" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
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