IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The average standard of people's health is likely to be lower in the future than it is now. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

I agree that in the next years the average of
human's
Check wording
human
show examples
health
Use synonyms
 may be lower because of a lot of reasons,
such
Linking Words
 as the high increase of expenditure on fast food, which leads to many diseases.
Also
Linking Words
, many people are unaware of the impact of smartphones and how they reduce their
focus
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. One of the main reasons for lowering people's
health
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 is that the spending on eating fast food is growing more than it was in the past years. The high amount of sugar and fat in junk foods impacts our bodies and causes many diseases,
such
Linking Words
 as obesity and diabetes.
For example
Linking Words
, in the US, many teenagers suffer from obesity because of drinking too much Coca-Cola and eating McDonald's every day.
Moreover
Linking Words
, another reason that impacts our
health
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 is using smartphones for a long time, which affects the processing of brain and leads to decreased
focus
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. The constant stream and notifications lower our attention spans and difficult to
focus
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 on our daily tasks, and reduce our study abilities.
For instance
Linking Words
, many students in the UK can not
focus
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 on doing their assignments and exams because of
spending
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 most of
the
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 time on their phones. In conclusion, many people may suffer from
health
Use synonyms
 problems in the future,
due to
Linking Words
 spending on junk food and using it as a main meal and which causes them a lot of serious problems,
such
Linking Words
 as obesity. Another reason is the high use of smartphones in our day, which leads to an impact on focusing on our daily tasks or studying.

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task achievement
Make sure to have a clearer introduction that directly states your opinion on the topic.
coherence cohesion
Use linking words like 'for example' or 'in addition' to make your ideas flow better.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph clearly supports your main idea and is well-developed.
task achievement
You provided examples to support your point about fast food and smartphones, which is good.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • 1. Standard of health
  • 2. Average
  • 3. Lower
  • 4. Future
  • 5. Aging population
  • 6. Chronic diseases
  • 7. Sedentary lifestyle
  • 8. Lack of exercise
  • 9. Poor dietary habits
  • 10. Environmental pollution
  • 11. Technological advancements
  • 12. Impact on health
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