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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people belive that friends have a bigger impact on young people while others think parents and teacher influance them more. Discuss both views and give your opinion

There is debate over who has more impact on their personality. People have different perspectives regarding whether the impact of friends on the young generation is bigger than
parents
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 and
teachers
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,
Punctuation problem
.
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 I believe that friends’ influence could be more significant. On the one hand, those who believe that the impact of
parents
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 and
teachers
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 is significant have their own reasons.
Firstly
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, tutors and guardians might be able to influence the children’s discipline as they could impose many rules that someone says.
This
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 might be
due to
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 the fact that youngsters spend most of their time between school and home.
As a result
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, they would be under the observation of their guardians and educators all the time , and
thus
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 they shouldn’t misbehave or break the rules.
Moreover
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, children usually see their
teachers
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 and
parents
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 as their role models.
For
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this
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 reason, they might prefer to act like them in everything and accept their advice about attitude and behaviour.
On the other hand
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, I would side with those who suppose that the effect of friends is greater. There is no doubt that peer pressure can lead to negative behaviour by influencing our children’s decisions.
This
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 might be observed in many ways, including their attitude, appearance of many undesirable habits, and children’s desire to keep their distance from their
parents
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.
As a consequence
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, youngsters may start to be more violent and develop some bad habits
such
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 as smoking or drinking alcohol. In
this
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 situation, if they didn’t listen to their
parents
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' and
teachers
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’ advice, they would be unintendedly incorporated into crimes and gang work and lose their prosperous future. In conclusion,
while
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parents
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 and
teachers
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 undoubtedly play an outstanding role in shaping the discipline and values of young people, I strongly believe that the influence of peers is more significant. Peer pressure, whether positive or negative, can strongly affect a child's behaviour, choices, and future.
Therefore
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, it is essential to monitor and guide the social thoughts of the younger generation to minimise the risk of harmful influences and help them grow into responsible people.

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coherence
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and stay focused on it throughout. This will help with clarity and coherence.
positive
Your introduction clearly states your opinion and sets the stage for the essay. This is a strong point.
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