IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

The bar chart below gives information on the numbers of workers in different occupations who migrated to Australia between 2009 and 2012.

The bar chart below gives information on the numbers of workers in different occupations who migrated to Australia between 2009 and 2012.
The bar chart compares the number of migrants working in different occupations in Australia between 2009 and 2012.
Overall
Linking Words
,
accountants
Use synonyms
 were the most common occupation among migrants during the period,
while
Linking Words
 computer programmers consistently had the lowest share. In 2009, the number of foreign employees working as
accountants
Use synonyms
 was slightly higher than those employed in cooking, at approximately 20,000 and 17,000 , respectively. Software engineering
also
Linking Words
 had a significant share, at around 19.000.
In contrast
Linking Words
, the figure of computer programmers was the lowest, at about 3.000.
It is clear that
Linking Words
 all occupations experienced different fluctuations over the period.
For example
Linking Words
, in 2010, the numbers of
accountants
Use synonyms
, software engineers and computer programmers saw a slight increase, at nearly 26,000, 20,000 and 4,000 in the same order.
However
Linking Words
, the share of abroad employees working as
accountants
Use synonyms
 declined significantly to 22,000,
while
Linking Words
 those employed in cooking and software engineering increased gradually, reaching 17,000 and 21,000 by 2011.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words accountants with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "significant" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slightly" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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