IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many cities, an increasing number of people do not know their neighbour and the sense of community is lost. Discuss the causes and give measures to turn it around?

Nowadays, feeling isolated has become a common issue for many individuals.
This
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 essay will first suggest that the main causes
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
this
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 phenomenon are
busy
Correct article usage
a busy
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 lifestyle
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 and
Use synonyms
time
Correct article usage
the time
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 spent by
people
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
on
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 social media, and
then
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 argue
how
Rephrase
apply
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to recover
Change preposition
that recovering
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 the sense of belonging through social activities and shifting online
connection
Fix the agreement mistake
connections
show examples
 to real communication between neighbours are the most viable solutions. The primary problem is that humans spend many hours at work, and
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their leisure
Use synonyms
time
Punctuation problem
time,
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 they prefer to engage with others by using the internet. Increasing demand from work
place
Use the right word
workplace
show examples
, and higher competition have moved
Use synonyms
people
Check wording
people's
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 attention to a more
job orientated
Use the right word
job-oriented
show examples
life
Use synonyms
,
decresing
Correct your spelling
decreasing
 the
time
Use synonyms
 shared with their communities.
Furthermore
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,
due to
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 technology, individuals have shifted from
real
Use the right word
real-life
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life
Use synonyms
 social
activties
Correct your spelling
activities
 into virtual relationships
,
Punctuation problem
;
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however
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,
this
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 only
increase
Correct subject-verb agreement
increases
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 their feeling of isolation. To illustrate, twenty years ago
people
Use synonyms
 used to gather with their friends and families in the park,
while
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in
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apply
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these days spending
time
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
on
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 phones at home is preferred. Possible solutions to
this
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 problem
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 to pivot their personal lives from indoor towards outdoor and cultural activities
at
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in
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 neighbourhoods to enhance true
life
Use synonyms
 relationships.
Thus
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, local governments could play a fundamental role by inviting
people
Use synonyms
 to go outside and recover their connection with other residents
from
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their area.
Additionally
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, spending
time
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 social media should be discouraged by local communities. A case in point is a measure recently applied in Santiago Schools, where children are not allowed to bring their phones with them during their breaks
,
Punctuation problem
;
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consequently
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, their
interacction
Correct your spelling
interaction
 has dramatically changed
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 they returned to
play
Wrong verb form
playing
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 real games as soccer. In conclusion, addressing
this
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isolation
Check wording
apply
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feeling is
responsibility
Correct article usage
the responsibility
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for
Change preposition
of
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 all society participants.
Thus
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, if we want to recover social
life
Use synonyms
 as it was, it is necessary to make a shift
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and focus on investing our free
time
Use synonyms
 with our communities and household.

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coherence and cohesion
Work on your logical flow between points. Make sure each paragraph connects smoothly with the next.
task achievement
Be more specific and clear about your main ideas. Avoid vague language and explain your points fully.
task achievement
Use varied examples to illustrate your points. This will make your argument stronger and more relatable.
task achievement
You addressed the topic and provided clear points about causes and solutions.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion were present, which is important to frame your essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • community
  • neighbor
  • connect
  • urbanization
  • isolation
  • technology
  • diversity
  • relationships
  • belonging
  • lifestyle
  • busy
  • social activities
  • communication
  • engagement
  • shared values
  • personal lives
  • cultural
  • sense of belonging
  • shift
  • move
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