IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that zoos should be banned because they are cruel toward animals. Others believe that zoos should continue since they protect endangered species. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

There are
arguements
Correct your spelling
arguments
 about
captivating
Verb problem
capturing
show examples
 wild
animals
Use synonyms
 in a place where people can visit the
animals
Use synonyms
 should not be allowed
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
however
Linking Words
, some people
belive
Use the right word
believe
show examples
 that it would be
benefits
Replace the word
beneficial
show examples
 since it could protect
animals
Use synonyms
 from extinction. In
this
Linking Words
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 I will examine both
point
Fix the agreement mistake
points
show examples
 of
views
Fix the agreement mistake
view
show examples
 and provide my own opinion. On
one
Correct article usage
the one
show examples
 hand, keeping wild species in
zoos
Use synonyms
 has several drawbacks. As those
animals
Use synonyms
 which live in the zoo have limited spaces and
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 could lead to their mental health issues,
espacially
Correct your spelling
especially
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 for wild
animals
Use synonyms
 which were born in the natural forest.
For example
Linking Words
, a polar bear lived in the North Pole and was familiar
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
extreamly
Correct your spelling
extremely
 cold
temperature
Fix the agreement mistake
temperatures
show examples
 and
very
Correct article usage
a very
show examples
 large
environtment
Correct your spelling
environment
, but
then
Linking Words
 people keep it in the
zoos
Use synonyms
 where space is limited and
temperature
Correct article usage
the temperature
show examples
 is not as cold as in the North Pole.
Hence
Linking Words
, the polar bear may become
depression
Replace the word
depressed
show examples
 as it is not
get
Verb problem
apply
show examples
used to the area.
In
Change preposition
On
show examples
 the other hand, some animal species in forests are now becoming extinct
that
Punctuation problem
, that
show examples
 caused by many reasons
such
Linking Words
 as
infecting
Replace the word
infectious
show examples
 disease, being
catched
Correct your spelling
caught
 for
selling
Replace the word
sale
show examples
,
becoming
Correct word choice
and becoming
show examples
 prey for other predator
spicies
Correct your spelling
species
. If those
animals
Use synonyms
 remain in
Correct article usage
the wilds
show examples
wilds
Fix the agreement mistake
wild
show examples
 freely and become extinct.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the balance of
ecosystem
Correct article usage
the ecosystem
show examples
 would be
negetive
Correct your spelling
negatively
 impacted significantly.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it is safer to secure them in
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 place where we
could
Wrong verb form
can
show examples
 take care of them.
For instance
Linking Words
, the number of herbivores is much more than carnivores, resulting in
reduction
Correct article usage
a reduction
show examples
 of opulent green areas where many species depend
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
and
consequent
Replace the word
consequently
show examples
to
Verb problem
leading to
show examples
wildspread
Correct your spelling
widespread
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
environment
Replace the word
environmental
show examples
 problems. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 there may be some
disadvantage
Fix the agreement mistake
disadvantages
show examples
 for
mental
Correct article usage
the mental
show examples
 health of
animal
Fix the agreement mistake
animals
show examples
 living in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
zoos
Use synonyms
, I
belive
Use the right word
believe
show examples
 that the
advantage
Fix the agreement mistake
advantages
show examples
 outweigh the
drawback
Fix the agreement mistake
drawbacks
show examples
bacause
Correct your spelling
because
 if
zoos
Use synonyms
 were banned, many issues
regard
Replace the word
regarding
show examples
 to ecosystem would
be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
occured
Correct your spelling
occur
 more and more.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure to clearly present your main ideas in each paragraph. Use topic sentences to help guide the reader.
task achievement
Try to provide clearer examples that directly support your points. This will help make your argument stronger.
general
Check for spelling and grammar mistakes, as these can affect your score. For example, 'belive' should be 'believe' and 'negetive' should be 'negative'.
coherence and cohesion
Improve the linking phrases between sentences for better flow, for instance, use 'Firstly', 'On the other hand', and 'In conclusion' effectively.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the topic and presents both sides of the argument, which is a good approach.
task achievement
You have provided some relevant examples to support your ideas, such as the polar bear and ecosystems.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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