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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Scientists agree that people are damaging their health by eating too much junk food. Some people think that the answer to this problem is to educate people. Others think the education will not work. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

In today's world, many
people
Use synonyms
 suffer from various diseases resulting from the consumption of unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
.
While
Linking Words
academic
Correct article usage
the academic
show examples
 community concur that
this
Linking Words
 situation could be remedied by informing
people
Use synonyms
 about of consequences of
consumption of
Wrong verb form
consuming
show examples
 unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
. On the one hand, it is argued that the lack of enough knowledge
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 to
people
Use synonyms
especially
Punctuation problem
, especially
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young
Correct article usage
the young
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 generation
consuming
Punctuation problem
, consuming
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 too much unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
 and
do
Verb problem
apply
show examples
not
pay
Wrong verb form
paying
show examples
 enough attention to their calorie intake. Needless to say that since a large proportion of
consuming
Correct article usage
the consuming
show examples
 population of
junk
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
 is
teenager
Fix the agreement mistake
teenagers
show examples
 and youngsters,
so
Rephrase
apply
show examples
teaching them and the increase of their awareness of
side
Correct article usage
the side
show examples
 effects of unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
 could help them lessen
overeating
Correct pronoun usage
their overeating
show examples
 of
junk
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
. Take
this
Linking Words
 as an example: if teachers in schools teach students about the calories of
junk
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
 and the influence they have on
human
Correct article usage
the human
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 body, they are more likely
avoid
Verb problem
to avoid
show examples
 consuming too much
junk
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, by educating
Use synonyms
people
Punctuation problem
people,
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 it is expected
Use synonyms
people
Correct word choice
that people
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not
Verb problem
will not
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too much consume
Correct word order
consume too much
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unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
 and
as a result
Linking Words
 their health could be
protect
Wrong verb form
protected
show examples
. Having said that, these days
educating
Punctuation problem
, educating
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 is not a practical approach to
incentivize
Use the right word
incentivise
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 not
consuming
Wrong verb form
to consume
show examples
 too much
junk
Use synonyms
foods
Fix the agreement mistake
food
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
 is because
while
Linking Words
 many TV channels, magazines, commercial
advertisement
Fix the agreement mistake
advertisements
show examples
, books, and tutorial videos focus to aware
people
Use synonyms
from
Change preposition
about
show examples
 the side effects of
too much consuming
Correct word order
consuming too much
show examples
junk
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
 but
people
Use synonyms
 still tend to overeat unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
. I think enacting some strict rules can help with
this
Linking Words
. Take
as
Punctuation problem
, as
show examples
 an example: if the taxes on
junk
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
 increased, many
people
Use synonyms
 probably cannot afford
buy
Verb problem
to buy
show examples
 unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
. Even those who can afford it.
they
Fix capitalization
They
show examples
 are less likely to spend a high amount of their income on
junk
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
.
Hence
Linking Words
,
implementation
Correct article usage
the implementation
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 of some rules can
more
Verb problem
be more
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 effective compared to educating
people
Use synonyms
 in
this
Linking Words
 argument.
To sum up
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
 scientists think that educating
people
Use synonyms
 is an effective way to
incentivize
Use the right word
incentivise
show examples
 them
do
Verb problem
apply
show examples
not
consume
Verb problem
to consume
show examples
 too much unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
 but I believe many
people
Use synonyms
 know about the consequences of
junk
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
 on their health
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 they can't help it.

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structure
Your essay shows two sides and your view, but use a clear plan. Try one main idea per paragraph and keep a simple link to the next idea.
grammar
Fix grammar and use short, clear sentences. Change forms like 'not too much consume' to 'not eat too much' and 'health could be protect' to 'health could be protected'.
content
Give strong and simple examples that fit the point. In the second body, show why rules or tax on junk food may work, with a clear link to the idea.
content
The writer shows both sides of the issue and gives an opinion.
structure
Link words are used to show the flow, such as 'On the one hand' and 'To sum up'.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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