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Writing Samples
Band 5

The graph below shows the percentage of all adults in Canada who were medically overweight or obese in 2018.

The graph below shows the percentage of all adults in Canada who were medically overweight or obese in 2018.
The given bar chart provides data about the proportion of Canadian adults over 18 years old in 2018 who were classified as either obese or overweight.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is evident that obesity rates are higher among the older age groups than
younger
Correct article usage
the younger
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 age
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
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.
In addition
Linking Words
,
men
Use synonyms
 are consistently more inclined to be overweight than
women
Use synonyms
.
First,
Linking Words
only about 30 per cent of the population of
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
 in Canada between 18 and 19 years old is overweight or obese.
However
Linking Words
, weights are almost doubled to a peak of about 65 and 77
percent
Use the right word
per cent
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 for
women
Use synonyms
 and
men
Use synonyms
 who are aged 50-64 , respectively. After that point, there is a slight decrease in the proportion of
men
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
women
Use synonyms
remains
Correct subject-verb agreement
remain
show examples
 relatively stable.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, there is a noticeable difference by gender. To be specific, at all
ages
Punctuation problem
ages,
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 more
men
Use synonyms
 than
women
Use synonyms
 are overweight. The average difference for all ages is approximately ten per cent.

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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Add more body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words men, women with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "difference" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 3 times.
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