IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

#Health | #Sports - Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. (IELTS 9, AC)

Building a healthy community has become a significant concern for most governments.
This
Linking Words
 is because it has a significant impact on the economy and makes
people
Use synonyms
 happier.
While
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 the majority of the population states that the distribution of gyms could be on the top of the factors that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 encourage society to take care of their
health
Use synonyms
.
However
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, some
people
Use synonyms
 claim
this
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 would not be an ideal way to solve
this
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 issue.
This
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 essay will cover both sides and give my perspective of view. On
one
Correct article usage
the one
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 hand, making sports tools available everywhere is convenient. To illustrate, life has become super busy, and having a gym i every place saves time and effort.
For example
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, some modern parties provide an exercise area for the staff. Another reason
observing
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for observing
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 the workout areas everywhere makes doing sport unforgettable. To clarify, easy to see, easy to remember. These two factors indicate why it is crucial to make sports tools available everywhere is a smart strategy in building a healthy generation.
On the other hand
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, there are a variety of solutions that could give a better effect. To start with, prepare some rewards for healthy
people
Use synonyms
.
For instance
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, offering discounts in supermarkets, cafes and restaurants.
Secondly
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, spread the consciousness about the impact of obesity.
Such
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 as
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 hosting a diet specialist in TV programs, podcasts and social media.
Thirdly
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, increase paying car tax.
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This tucked
Verb problem
These
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 city centre citizens use public transportation, which helps in lose weight.
Therefore
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, there are many
elements more
Correct word order
more elements
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 beneficial for public
health
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.
To sum up
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, there are plenty of suggestions that could be used
in
Change preposition
to
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enhance
Verb problem
help
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people
Use synonyms
to
Verb problem
apply
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be healthy.
For example
Linking Words
, rewarding healthy persons, using technology to learn the community about the importance of
health
Use synonyms
 and making cars unaffordable.
However
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, I believe that there is no doubt
distributing
Correct word choice
that distributing
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 sports tools everywhere is the ideal method to support human
health
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Use short, clear sentences. Keep one main idea per paragraph and give a simple, concrete example.
coherence
Link ideas smoothly with simple words like 'also', 'but', 'however', and 'first/second'.
structure
Clear layout with introduction, two body parts and a conclusion.
stance
The writer states a view at the end, giving a clear opinion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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