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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Most people have forgotten the meaning behind traditional or religious festivals; during festival periods, people nowadays only want to enjoy themselves. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

The majority of
people
Use synonyms
 do not know the meaning of a culture or religion's celebration
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 only want to celebrate and enjoy the event. I completely agree with
this
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 statement because
people
Use synonyms
 do not know the meaning of the celebrations, and because nowadays many
festivals
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 have a commercial connotation
due to
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 organisers not aiming at tradition. On one hand, when some
people
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 celebrate an event, they really do not know what they are celebrating. With time, many
festivals
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 lose their meanings, but many are still celebrated. One example of
this
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 is
Christmas
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. When we are celebrating
Christmas
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, we are celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ.
However
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, a lot of
people
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 teach their children that
Christmas
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 is when Santa comes.
Christmas
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 is losing its true meaning, but
people
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 in many countries celebrate
Christmas
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 with big parties. In Argentina, we celebrate
Christmas
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 Eve and the 25th; for Argentinians, it is a good time to get
together with
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 family and friends and have big parties, but nobody goes to church to celebrate Jesus' birth.
On the other hand
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, commerce replaces the meaning of many
festivals
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,
for example
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, the celebration of
Halloween
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. Nowadays,
people
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 await
Halloween
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 not to celebrate its true connotation, but to sell costumes and candies.
Furthermore
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, children await
Halloween
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 to dress up and collect candies in the famous trick-or-treat.
In addition
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, the meaning of
Halloween
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 is completely different from what many
people
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 believe;
however
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, advertisements induce
people
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 to celebrate
Halloween
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 just because it is an important
economical
Correct word choice
economic
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 event. In the USA, the celebration of
Halloween
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 gives a lot of economic profit to candy stores and costume stores because
people
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 always eat candies and dress up on October 31st.
To conclude
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, most
people
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 enjoy
festivals
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, but they do not know the meaning of the celebrations , and, because of commercial issues, organisers do not aim at tradition.

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structure
You take a clear 'agree' view. Add more depth by showing how the idea changes what people do.
cohesion
Use one main idea per paragraph. Start with a short sentence that tells what the paragraph will say.
cohesion
Keep links between ideas with simple words like 'also, but, so, because' to help flow.
examples
Give more direct proof for each idea. Tie your example to the idea you make.
grammar
Watch your tone. Some lines true for many and some not. Be careful with general claims.
task response
The essay shows a strong take on the issue.
coherence
Examples are used to show how the idea works.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Commercialization
  • Globalization
  • Cultural dilution
  • Traditional values
  • Secularization
  • Festivity
  • Heritage
  • Individualism vs. collectivism
  • Consumer culture
  • Intangible cultural heritage
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