IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

In a number of countries, some people think it is necessary to spend lage sums of money on constructing new railway lines for very fast trains between cities. Others believe the money should be spent on improving existing public transport. Discuss both these views and giver your own opinion

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Individuals in some countries believe that spending
money
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 on bullet
trains
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 is necessary
while
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 others think it is more important to fund existing public
transport
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.
While
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 fast
trains
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 could shorten the duration of mobility, I believe it is more important to spend more
money
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 on improving existing public
transport
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, as it is more effective, both socially and economically. On the one hand, many
people
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 think fast
trains
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 are important because they can shorten travel duration for the passengers.
As a result
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, fast
trains
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 are considered the appropriate way to increase
people
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's productivity and promote economic growth
due to
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 their ability to move
people
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 in a short period of time.
For example
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, the newly constructed Jakarta-Bandung fast train is seen as the solution to improve mobility problems between two big, productive cities,
thus
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 improving the passengers' and regions' productivity.
However
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, I believe the cost of establishing fast
trains
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 is too much compared to the benefits.
On the other hand
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, others think that funding existing public
transport
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 is more important, as it is deemed more cost-effective. As the government only have to focus on the existing public
transport
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, they can spend less
money
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 and allocate it somewhere more important.
Moreover
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, they
also
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 do not have to think about shifting passengers' behaviour, as public
transport
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 is already used on a daily basis by many
people
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.
For instance
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, many
people
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 consider the
money
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 spent on the new Jakarta-Bandung fast train is not prudent and demand the Indonesian government to spend more
money
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 on existing public
transport
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,
such
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 as the commuter line.
To conclude
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, even though many
people
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 believe that funding fast
trains
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 is important because of the time effectiveness of
people
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's mobility,
due to
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 the lesser financial and social strains the government have to face, I think the
money
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 should be spent to fund the existing public
transport
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due to
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 the economical and social effectiveness.

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coherence cohesion
While your essay is well-structured with a clear introduction and conclusion, and presents both sides of the argument effectively, consider improving the coherence between arguments by explicitly linking ideas together. Use more transitional phrases or linking words to help guide the reader through your argument.
task achievement
Ensure that your supporting examples are thoroughly developed. You provided a relevant example about the Jakarta-Bandung fast train, which is strong, but make sure each example clearly connects back to the main argument.
task achievement
The essay presents a balanced view, discussing both sides of the argument clearly with an opinion provided at the end.
coherence cohesion
You provided a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing your essay and ideas.
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