IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Scientists agree that many people are eating too much junk food and it is damaging their common health. Some people think that this problems can be solved by educating people to eat less junk food.Otherpeoplebelievethateducationwillnotwork.Discussbothopinionsandgiveyour own opinion

Scientists agree that too much consumption of fast
food
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 is detrimental
for
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to
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 individuals. Some folks believe that education is the only answer to
this
Linking Words
 problem,
whereas
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 others say that other
ways
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 should work better. Even though there are a lot of approaches to
this
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view point
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viewpoint
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, I agree that educating people from early childhood is a better option than the other
ways
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. On one hand, apart from educating people, there are a variety of effective
ways
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 to lead residents to a healthier life, one of which is reducing the number of fast
food
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 restaurants.
This
Linking Words
 is attributed to how citizens can easily access those kinds of places in a short period of time, as those places are everywhere in a city.
For example
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,
according to
Linking Words
 a public opinion poll conducted by the Japanese government in 2018, 90% of the residents in Shiga said that they were feeling healthier after the introduction of
regulation
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regulations
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 on the number of McDonald’s.
On the other hand
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, I believe that raising people’s awareness from childhood is the most effective method to solve
this
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 problem.
This
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 is because their
behavior
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behaviour
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, including eating, tends to be influenced by some aspects based on their childhood. To illustrate
this
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, some statistics say that in the U.S., 60% of folks who do not go to high school are more likely to eat fast
food
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 on a daily basis, resulting in obesity.
To sum up
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, scientists concur with the opinion that spending too much money on fast
food
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 will be detrimental for us, and some individuals say that education is more effective than any other
Use synonyms
ways
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way
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,
while
Linking Words
 others believe that other approaches do better.
Although
Linking Words
 regulating the number of
such
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 shops might seem to work, I believe that educating citizens is the most plausible solution to
this
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 viewpoint.

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structure
Start each para with a clear main idea. Use simple links like first, next, also, but.
structure
Explain both sides well and say why your view is best. Keep ideas in a clear order.
content
Add more real and easy examples that fit the point and help the idea.
grammar
Watch long sentences. Use short, clear lines in each sentence.
lexical
Use formal tone. Prefer 'people' over 'folks' and 'health' over hard words.
task
The essay has a clear view and a plan to argue it.
coherence
It shows two sides and tries to compare them.
content
It uses some evidence to back points.
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