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Writing Samples
Band 7

The first table chart below show changes in the total population of New York City from 1800 to 2000. The second and third table show changes in the population of the five districts of the city (Manhatten, Bronx, Queens, Staten Island) over the same period.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The first table chart below show changes in the total population of New York City from 1800 to 2000. The second and third table show changes in the population of the five districts of the city (Manhatten, Bronx, Queens, Staten Island) over the same period.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The given table illustrates the total population and the percentage changes of New York City from 1800 to 2000.
Overall
Linking Words
, the districts of New York are divided into
Manhattan
Use synonyms
, the Bronx, Queens, Staten Island, and Brooklyn. It is remarkable that in 2000, the population had the highest number,
while
Linking Words
 in 1800 had the lowest number of
people
Use synonyms
. To dig deeper, in 1800, many
people
Use synonyms
 chose to stay in
Manhattan
Use synonyms
the
Punctuation problem
, the
show examples
 most at 76% of the total. Next 100 years, the proportion of
others
Use synonyms
 increased
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 the amount was similar to
Manhattan
Use synonyms
 by approximately 1.5 million. It can be concluded that
Manhattan
Use synonyms
 was more than the
others
Use synonyms
 by 8%.
Lastly
Linking Words
, in 2000, the
amount
Check wording
number
show examples
 of
people
Use synonyms
 in
Manhattan
Use synonyms
 slightly dropped by 3 hundred thousand,
whereas
Linking Words
others
Use synonyms
 significantly rose to 6.5 million, which is quadruple from 1900.
As a result
Linking Words
, the ratio of
people
Use synonyms
 in
Use synonyms
others
Fix the agreement mistake
other
show examples
was
Check wording
areas was
show examples
 81%,
while
Linking Words
Manhattan
Use synonyms
 was 19% in 2000.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words manhattan, people, others with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 2 times.
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