IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

More people put their personal information online (address, telephone number...) for everyday activities such as socializing on social networks or banking. Do you think it is a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own experience or knowledge

Here’s your essay rewritten to achieve Band 8–9 with more precise vocabulary, smoother cohesion, and richer development
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Punctuation problem
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 In recent years, the tendency to share personal
information
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 online has surged, with some individuals perceiving little or no threat in doing so.
While
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this
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 practice may enhance convenience in certain contexts, the potential risks, in my view, substantially outweigh the benefits. One of the principal dangers of
this
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 trend is its contribution to the rising incidence of cybercrime. By voluntarily disclosing addresses, telephone numbers, or banking details, users inadvertently create opportunities for fraudsters to exploit
this
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information
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 for illicit purposes.
This
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 threat is particularly acute for older adults, who are often more trusting and less familiar with online security measures, making them prime targets for deception.
Moreover
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, the repercussions of sharing personal
data
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 are not always immediate; they may surface months or even years later. Once sensitive
information
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 is uploaded, it becomes virtually permanent in the digital sphere.
This
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 enduring availability allows cybercriminals to misuse the
data
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 long after it was first shared, resulting in serious breaches of privacy and eroding public confidence in digital platforms. Admittedly, making personal details available online can streamline access to various services,
such
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 as e-commerce or online banking.
Nevertheless
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, no system is immune to breaches. Even institutions that invest heavily in security protocols are not exempt from large-scale cyberattacks, which have, in some cases, compromised millions of users’ records.
This
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 reality underscores the inherent fragility of relying on online
data
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 storage. In conclusion,
although
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 the disclosure of personal
information
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 online can facilitate certain conveniences, the hazards associated with cybersecurity clearly prevail. The issue stems not only from individuals who carelessly submit their
data
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 but
also
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 from the vulnerabilities of service providers. A combined approach—educating users about prudent
information
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-sharing practices and compelling companies to fortify their digital defences—would be the most effective way to reduce the risk of cybercrime.

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task response
Say your view at once in the first part of the essay, then give your reasons.
task response
Give 2 or 3 clear reasons and add one real life example for each.
coherence
Use small linking words to help flow, like and, but, also, for example.
coherence
Group ideas in clear blocks. Start each paragraph with a main idea then add detail.
coherence
Keep sentences short and easy to read, avoid long words and phrases.
strength
Clear view on the topic.
strength
Well tied ideas and good flow.
strength
Good use of reason and examples.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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