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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The availability of entertainment such as electronic games on portable devices is harmful to individuals in the society they live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays, with the innovation of technology on entertainment devices
such
Linking Words
 as the PS5,various genres of
game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
show examples
 have been released constantly, which
attracted
Verb problem
has attracted
show examples
 many players.
This
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 essay agrees with
this
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 statement that
this
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 phenomenon affected not only our bodies, but
also
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 the whole community. First of all, video
games
Use synonyms
 are highly addictive entertainment.
This
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 is because individuals can easily
Verb problem
become immerse
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immerse
Wrong verb form
immersed
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 in the game
due to
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 its interesting and competitive gameplay,which leads to many health problems,especially mental health. It is obvious that people who get addicted to
games
Use synonyms
 can be distracted
while
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 working.
For example
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, they might think about the
games
Use synonyms
 during working hours, constantly check the game notifications and even ignore
the
Correct pronoun usage
their
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 duties to secretly play them.
Moreover
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, playing video
games
Use synonyms
 excessively can lead to tiredness.
According to
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 scientists, sitting in a specific position and
eye-closing
Use the right word
staring
show examples
to
Change preposition
at
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 the screen for a long period are the primary reasons why our bodies have to work continuously, causing stress levels and
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of energy for other activities. These factors can lead to decreased productivity and poor working
performances
Fix the agreement mistake
performance
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.
Besides
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 that, addiction to  online
games
Use synonyms
also
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 affects sociality by impeding people from being
matured
Replace the word
mature
show examples
.
In other words
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, individuals are wasting their time by grinding in
games
Use synonyms
 for hours,
instead
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 of
carving
Verb problem
developing
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 their social skills
such
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 as communication, representation and teamwork. Obviously, they lost opportunities to climb their career ladder
due to
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 the fact that companies will only appreciate high-skilled staff.
Consequently
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, the percentage of unemployed is increasing gradually in many countries,which delays them to enhance in many fields
such
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 as healthcare
due to
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 the shortage of doctors and nurses.  In conclusion, the appearance of electronic
games
Use synonyms
 is
harm
Replace the word
harmful
show examples
to not only
Correct word order
not only to
show examples
 our health, but
also
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the
Change preposition
to the
show examples
 whole community by attracting people to waste their time on
games
Use synonyms
 and lose many crucial skills.

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content
Your stance is clear, but you give little proof. Add 1-2 real ideas or simple facts to back each point.
structure
Add a short plan at the start and end of each paragraph. Use topic sentence to start each paragraph.
grammar
Fix long sentences and keep to one idea per sentence. Use punctuation well to avoid run on.
lexical
Use simple, direct words. Avoid words that may be hard or wrong.
content
Mention one or two ways to solve the issue or show how games can be used for good too.
content
Clear position on the topic.
structure
Intro, body and conclusion are present.
content
Seeks to give examples to back points.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • detrimental
  • adverse
  • excessive
  • physical and mental health issues
  • dependency
  • hinder
  • social skills development
  • academic performance
  • productivity
  • real-life experiences
  • social interactions
  • addiction
  • gambling
  • harmful behaviors
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