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Band 6.5

Some people believe that schools should focus only on academic subjects such as math and science. They argue that subjects like music and physical education are not important. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In today's competitive world, many argue that schools should concentrate solely on academic
subjects
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 like mathematics and science, claiming that areas
such
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 as
music
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 and physical
education
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 are of little value.
While
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 I understand the importance of academic excellence, I strongly believe that
music
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 and physical
education
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 are equally essential for a well-rounded
education
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 and should remain part of the school curriculum.
To begin
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 with, physical
education
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 plays a vital role in maintaining
students
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' physical and mental health. In an age where many young people lead sedentary lifestyles, school sports classes provide a rare and necessary opportunity to engage in physical activity. Regular exercise not only improves physical fitness but
also
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 enhances concentration and reduces stress, which can contribute to better performance in academic
subjects
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.
Additionally
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, physical
education
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 promotes life skills
such
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 as teamwork, leadership, and discipline—qualities that are invaluable beyond the classroom.
Similarly
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,
music
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education
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 brings unique benefits that cannot be found in academic
subjects
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 alone. Learning
music
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 enhances creativity, emotional expression, and cognitive abilities. Studies have shown that
students
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 who engage in
music
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 tend to perform better in areas like language learning and problem-solving.
Furthermore
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,
music
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 classes can foster a sense of cultural awareness and identity, especially when traditional instruments and local
music
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 are included. In countries like Indonesia,
for instance
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,
students
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 often perform with traditional instruments, which strengthens their connection to national heritage. Opponents may argue that math and science are more practical and lead to better job opportunities.
While
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this
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 is partly true, it is important to
recognize
Use the right word
recognise
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 that not all
students
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 excel in or are passionate about these
subjects
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. By offering a diverse curriculum, schools allow
students
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 to discover their strengths and interests, which may lie in artistic or physical fields rather than purely academic ones. In conclusion,
while
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 math and science are undoubtedly important,
music
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 and physical
education
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 are
also
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 vital in shaping balanced, healthy, and capable individuals. Schools should not sacrifice these
subjects
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 in pursuit of academic achievement alone, but
rather
Punctuation problem
rather,
show examples
 embrace a holistic approach that nurtures both the mind and the body.

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task response
Task response: The essay has a clear view and uses good reasons and examples. To be even stronger, keep all ideas very tied to the main task and finish with a conclusion that mirrors your main point.
coherence cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: The essay uses linking words and clear paragraph order. To improve, add a few more signpost words and make each paragraph start with a clear topic idea that stays close to the main point.
strength
Clear stance and balanced view on music, PE, and academics.
strength
Useful example from Indonesia that adds local touch.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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