IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many countries have compulsory military service for young men after they leave school. It would be a good idea for all countries to adopt this system for men, and possibly for women too. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

In a lot of countries, military
service
Use synonyms
 is considered mandatory for young males after finishing
school
Use synonyms
. It is believed that
this
Linking Words
 system should be adopted worldwide, not only for males but
also
Linking Words
 for females. In my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
such
Linking Words
policy
Correct article usage
a policy
show examples
 would be incorrect, and in the following
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 I will discuss the reasons why I disagree with it.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
military
Correct article usage
the military
show examples
 environment can be harsh
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 not everyone can handle it or even want to experience it. People with psychiatric or psychological problems find it extremely difficult to adapt to
army
Use synonyms
 conditions and commonly
get
Verb problem
experience
show examples
 negative effects from it.
For example
Linking Words
, multiple incidents of panic attacks and PTSD have been reported in Israel, where military
service
Use synonyms
 is mandatory for both men and women.
Moreover
Linking Words
, attending the
army
Use synonyms
 just after leaving
school
Use synonyms
 delays higher education or career development. The period after
school
Use synonyms
 is crucial for career choices and exploration of different fields.
This
Linking Words
 means that young people should have the right to choose whether they want to join the
army
Use synonyms
 right after
school
Use synonyms
, or they want to go to
univeristy
Correct your spelling
university
 or even work.
For instance
Linking Words
, if a student got into university and has to start right away, in order for their place
to not
Correct word order
not to
show examples
 be replaced, he or she would not be able to go
due to
Linking Words
 military
service
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
this
Linking Words
 would restrict them from studying. In
conlusion
Correct your spelling
conclusion
, the fact that young males in some countries are obliged to go to the
army
Use synonyms
 after
school
Use synonyms
 does not mean that the adoption of
this
Linking Words
 system would benefit societies globally. I strongly believe that whether or not to undertake military
service
Use synonyms
 should remain a matter of personal choice.

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structure
Use a clear plan. Start with a short intro that states your view. Then give two or three clear ideas in order. End with a short conclusion that restates your view.
coherence
Make each para have one main idea and a line to the next. Use words like first, next, also, but to show flow.
language
Fix small spelling and grammar. Use simple words. Shorter sentences help.
content
Give one or two strong examples. Add facts or clear points to back your views.
strength
Clear view is shown.
coherence
Good links between ideas.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Compulsory
  • Military service
  • Conscription
  • Patriotism
  • National security
  • Social equality
  • Discipline
  • Physical fitness
  • Life skills
  • Job training
  • Infringement
  • Conscripts
  • Gender equality
  • Mandatory
  • Economy
  • Education system
  • Labor market
  • Civil service
  • Alternative forms
  • Balanced view
What to do next:
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