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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart below shows the different types of electronic devices used by people in Australia in 2008.

The bar chart below shows the different types of electronic devices used by people in Australia in 2008.
The
bart
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bar
 chart compares how many
people
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 used
a
Correct article usage
apply
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various kinds of gadgets in Australia in 2008.
Overall
Linking Words
, the young generation showed the highest
per
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percentage
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cent
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 in the
usage
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 of
smartphones
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.
However
Linking Words
, they gained the lowest
percentage
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 in the
usage
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 of
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e-reader
Fix the agreement mistake
e-readers
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. Regarding the
people
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 who are between 12-24
years
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 showed the highest
results
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 in the
usage
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 of
smartphones
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to
Change preposition
at
show examples
 about 65%, but the tablet
users
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 decreased to just over twice to 30 per
cent
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 .
While
Linking Words
 the
percentage
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 of
laptop
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users
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 was 5 per
cent
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 , no one used e-readers in
this
Linking Words
 age group. Turning to
medium
Correct article usage
the medium
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 age group ,between 25-50
years
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 old , gained
the
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apply
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similar
results
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 in the
usage
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 of
smartphones
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 and laptops(40%).
In addition
Linking Words
, the
laptop
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users
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percentage
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 was 10 ,which was twice
high
Rephrase
as high
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than
Change preposition
as
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e-reader
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users
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. Coming to elderly
people
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 who are between 51-75
years
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 old,
showed
Verb problem
apply
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the highest
results
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in
Verb problem
were seen in
show examples
 the
usage
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 of
Use synonyms
Fix the agreement mistake
laptops
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laptop
Punctuation problem
laptop,
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to
Change preposition
at
show examples
 just over 40 per
cent
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. In the second place was
smartphone
Correct article usage
the smartphone
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 with 30 per
cent
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, the
percentage
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 of tablet
users
Use synonyms
 in
this
Linking Words
 age was twice less compared to
laptop
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users
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 the lowest result was in the
usage
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 of
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e-reader
Fix the agreement mistake
e-readers
show examples
(4%). Regarding the
people
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 who are over 76
years
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 old ,
showed
Correct pronoun usage
they showed
show examples
 the highest result with using
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e-reader
Correct article usage
an e-reader
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( 62%), but
this
Linking Words
 decreased to 30 per
cent
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
when it comes to the
usage
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 of
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laptop
Correct article usage
a laptop
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 .
However
Linking Words
, they showed the lowest
results
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 in the
usage
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 of
smartphones
Use synonyms
5
Punctuation problem
, 5
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percent
Use the right word
per cent
show examples
 and
tablet
Fix the agreement mistake
tablets
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2
Punctuation problem
, 2
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per
cent
Use synonyms
 .

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words people, cent, usage, smartphones, percentage, e-reader, years, results, users, laptop with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "compares" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "showed" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "just over" was used 2 times.
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