IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people argue that the most effective way to improve public health is to increase the number of sports facilities. Others, however, believe that this has little effect and that other measures are required. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Some
people
Use synonyms
 assert that the most proper way to improve public health is by increasing
sports
Use synonyms
 facilities.
However
Linking Words
, others think that
this
Linking Words
 is useless and other measures should be considered. I believe that it does not matter how many
sports
Use synonyms
 facilities there are , but the motivation that
people
Use synonyms
 have
about
Change preposition
for
show examples
 their own health.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, the number of
sports
Use synonyms
accouterments
Use the right word
accoutrements
show examples
 does not guarantee that all citizens will start exercising. Most
population
Check wording
people
show examples
 have little
moment
Check wording
time
show examples
 to train because of all the responsibilities they have after work ,
such
Linking Words
 as family and
handouts
Check wording
homework
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
, there are a few who have much more free time but decide to stay at home watching television and eat junk food.
For instance
Linking Words
, truck drivers
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 at least 12 hours driving, so they cannot think
on
Change preposition
about
show examples
 having routines to feel better.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, public measures to motivate
people
Use synonyms
 to have healthy habits could help
people
Use synonyms
 who use time as an excuse to be unhealthy. Advertisements that talk about
benefits
Correct article usage
the benefits
show examples
 of training for at least 30 minutes would encourage them to be more active. At the same
time
Add a comma
time,
show examples
 free memberships would motivate the population.
For example
Linking Words
, giving talks on how obesity changes the relationship with their children and how they are affected should encourage mothers and fathers. As a conclusion, no
big
Correct word choice
large
show examples
 amounts of money should be spent on
sports
Use synonyms
 facilities because it does not give any certainty that humans will be healthier, but rather on doing advertisements and talks on the benefits of working out, running or going to the gym.

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task response
Have a clear plan. Start with a short intro that states your view. Then discuss each view in separate paragraphs and end with your own clear opinion.
coherence
Make the flow smooth. Use simple signpost words like first, also, however, and finally. Link ideas so one idea leads to the next.
language
Check word choice and grammar. Avoid hard or strange words like accouterments and handouts. Use easy, common words.
examples
Add more real and simple examples that back up your points. Explain why they show your view.
content
The essay shows a clear view that motivation can matter for health, not only the number of sports places.
structure
The writer uses linking words to connect ideas and has some organized parts.
content
There is an attempt to discuss both sides and to give a final view.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health
  • sports facilities
  • physical activity
  • exercise
  • chronic diseases
  • heart disease
  • obesity
  • inclusivity
  • participation
  • safe environment
  • social interaction
  • community engagement
  • comprehensive approach
  • health education programs
  • environmental factors
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • quality healthcare services
  • public health initiatives
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