IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Recent advances in medicine have resulted in an increase in life expectancy over the past four years. Do you think that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

We have observed a lot of progress in medicine
,
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due to
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 the advancements in technology
,
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 recently. One of the positive effects of
this
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 phenomenon
,
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apply
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 has been
longer
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a longer
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 life
time
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expectancy
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 during the past 4 years. In my opinion, the benefits of
this
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 fact are more than the drawbacks. In
this
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 essay, I am going to clarify both aspects. A longer lifespan can have significant positive impacts on societies, older people and their families.
For example
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, it provides opportunities for older adults to travel after their retirement. They can experience more joyful moments, which help them to improve their mood and
quality
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the quality
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 of their life.
Furthermore
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,
older
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the older
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 generation
have
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has
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 more time on their hands.
Therefore
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, they can support their family members in taking care
and
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of and
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upbringing
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raising
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 their grandchildren.
Hence
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, their children can be more successful.
Finally
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, seniors can be considered as assets of
the
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society. Because they have valuable experiences in their field to guide younger generations and lead
the
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society to a more brilliant future.
On the other hand
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, apart from the positive
mentioned
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points mentioned
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, higher longevity can have some negative points.
For instance
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, elderly people often require special care and attention
due to
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 their reduced ability to do their daily activities, so a lot of workforce is hired to help them
and
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, and
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 these younger groups cannot be so effective for their country.
Similarly
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, governments must have to consider more budget for meeting older people’s
need
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needs
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such
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, such
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 as their drugs, which can lead to high annual expenses and may limit investments in other areas. In conclusion,
although
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 sometimes governments are forced to struggle
elderly
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with elderly
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 people’s difficulties,
existence of the
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the existence of
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 older adults
are
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is
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 so precious for different parts of the
countries
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country
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 and we have to appreciate them a lot for all their
helps
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help
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.

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task response
Make your view clear in the intro and restate it in the end. Show how your ideas support the big point.
coherence
Group ideas in clear paragraphs. Each para has one main idea and a link to the main point. Use words like first, then, also, but to show how ideas are connected.
task response
Give more exact examples and show how they help your point. Simple facts or small data can do.
grammar
Check grammar. Some long and new sentences are hard. Use short, easy sentences.
task response
Clear stance that benefits outweigh the drawbacks.
coherence
Good use of sign words like On the other hand and In conclusion.
structure
Nice layout with intro, body, and conclusion.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • life expectancy
  • chronic diseases
  • economic growth
  • workforce
  • community service activities
  • healthcare costs
  • aging population
  • elder care services
  • intergenerational tensions
  • medical and technological innovations
  • family dynamics
  • elderly relatives
  • healthier and active lives
  • social implications
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