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Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people think that money is one of the most essential factors in promoting happiness. Do you think people can be ahppy without much money? What other factors contribute towards happiness?

As utilitarianism becomes increasingly prevalent, financial wealth is considered a
premise
Check wording
prerequisite
show examples
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 a joyful life. Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that
money
Use synonyms
 is
premise
Correct article usage
the premise
show examples
 of happiness,
while
Linking Words
 others argue that
people
Use synonyms
 can have happiness
eventhough
Correct your spelling
even though
 they don't have a vital amount of
money
Use synonyms
. I believe it is possible for individuals to be happy even if they have little
money
Use synonyms
, and salient features
such
Linking Words
 as having
close-knit
Correct article usage
a close-knit
show examples
 family and hobbies can
also
Linking Words
 create happiness. In my
openion
Correct your spelling
opinion
,
money
Use synonyms
 is but
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
tools
Fix the agreement mistake
tool
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can
Correct pronoun usage
that can
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 help
people
Use synonyms
 obtain somethings you wants, so
money
Use synonyms
don't
Correct subject-verb agreement
doesn't
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 have
decisions
Check wording
a say in
show examples
wheather
Correct your spelling
whether
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
happy
Verb problem
are happy
show examples
 or not.
In other words
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 can fill their
nessecary by
Replace the word
necessary needs in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
another
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other
Correct word choice
apply
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way.
For instance
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, when I was young, my dream was
buying
Wrong verb form
to buy
show examples
 a drum, but I didn't have enough
money
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, I built my own drum with
can
Correct article usage
a can
show examples
, after
Punctuation problem
. After
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finishing
Punctuation problem
finishing,
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 I felt extremely happy.
Hence
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, I trust that
people
Use synonyms
 can get
hapiness
Correct your spelling
happiness
 through the other way, because the goals of
people
Use synonyms
not
Verb problem
are not
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such
Linking Words
 difficult
like
Change preposition
as
show examples
 they
imaging
Use the right word
imagine
show examples
.
An other
Use the right word
Another
show examples
 reason is that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 there are some factors
make
Correct pronoun usage
that make
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 individuals happy
also
Linking Words
.
For example
Linking Words
, having a
steably
Correct your spelling
stable
 intimate relationship with
mate
Correct pronoun usage
your mate
show examples
 or
families
Fix the agreement mistake
family
show examples
,
it's
Verb problem
it
show examples
 can help you alleviate panic during some
occassions
Correct your spelling
occasions
.
By
Change preposition
On
show examples
Correct article usage
the contras
show examples
contras
Fix the agreement mistake
contrary
show examples
, some
affluence
Replace the word
affluent
show examples
 person might
under
Verb problem
be under
show examples
 vast pressure, because they need to take care of their business.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, I consider that
haveing
Use the right word
having
show examples
Correct article usage
a health
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health
Replace the word
healthy
show examples
 relationship is more important than
pursueing
Correct your spelling
pursuing
money
Use synonyms
. To
summarize
Use the right word
summarise
show examples
,
although
Linking Words
 the rich can obtain
anythings
Fix the agreement mistake
anything
show examples
, there are still something can not
access
Wrong verb form
be accessed
show examples
 with
money
Use synonyms
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as friendship,
mate
Fix the agreement mistake
mates
show examples
, and families.
Therefore
Linking Words
, for me,
money
Use synonyms
not
Verb problem
is not
show examples
 the most
nessceary
Correct your spelling
necessary
 factor of being
happt
Correct your spelling
happy
, but
is
Correct pronoun usage
it is
show examples
 a
tools
Fix the agreement mistake
tool
show examples
 to
alive
Use the right word
live
show examples
 more
confortable
Correct your spelling
comfortably
.

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language
Fix spelling and grammar. Use clear, short sentences. For example, write even though, not eventhough. Check words like happiness and healthy.
structure
Plan before you write. Start with your view on money, then add 1 or 2 ideas with a small example, then finish with a short note.
coherence
Make one main idea in each paragraph. Use linking words such as First, Also, Then, Finally to show flow.
content
Use one clear example for each idea. The drum story is a good start; check tense and word form.
strength
You say money is just a tool, not the must.
strength
Your own life example shows a real feel.
strength
You mention that family and health can give joy too.
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