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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In many countries, students nowadays spend too much time on their mobile phones, which affects their studies and social life. What are the main problems caused by this, and what solutions can be suggested?

In many countries,
students
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 spend too much
time
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 on their mobile
phones
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, which negatively affects their studies and social life. The main problem
this
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 causes is poor academic performance among
students
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, and the most effective solution is to launch public
awareness
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 campaigns to educate people about the dangers of excessive mobile
phone
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use
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. The principal problem associated with
students
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 spending too much
time
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 on their mobile devices is the reduction in their academic performance. When pupils spend their free
time
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 on their smartphones, the hormone dopamine will be released in a significant amount, causing them to be attracted to
the
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 mobile
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phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 even more.
Therefore
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, they would find themselves spending too much
time
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 on their cell
phones
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instead
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 of focusing on their schoolwork and studies.
For instance
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, I noticed my grades declining
due to
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 excessive
phone
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use
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, so I set it aside. Redirecting my attention from dopamine hits coming from the
phone
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 to studying reignited my motivation and boosted my learning. The government should start a media
awareness
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 campaign to inform
students
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 about the risks of spending excessive amounts of
time
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 on their
phones
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 in order to address
this
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 issue. An
awareness
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 campaign could shed some light on these difficult situations and allow people to be more open and honest about them.
For example
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, a similar initiative in Japan resulted in a 52% increase in schoolchildren employing their leisure
time
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 in useful things
instead
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 of mobile
phones
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. In conclusion, excessive mobile
phone
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use
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 among
students
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 can severely undermine their academic achievements and personal relationships.
Nevertheless
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, by implementing targeted public
awareness
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 campaigns, governments can effectively encourage young people to
use
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 their
time
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 more wisely and restore balance between technology and education.

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tip
Explain more problems and give more examples. Do not rely on a single point. Add details about how phones hurt study, sleep, and social life. Give more than one solution with steps.
tip
Make links between ideas clear. Use clear topic sentences and linking words like first, next, also, but, finally to show the flow.
tip
Check facts about claims like the dopamine idea and the Japan statistic. If unsure, keep claim simple or say 'some studies show' without fixed numbers.
tip
Use simple words and short sentences. The aim is easy reading, not fancy style.
tip
Improve intro and conclusion: state the problem and plan in the intro, and restate main ideas in the conclusion.
tip
Improve grammar and phrasing where needed and avoid one long sentence; break into two to three clear sentences.
strength
The essay answers the task by giving both problems and a solution.
strength
Simple, clear language is used, which helps the reader follow.
strength
A personal example is included to make the point more real.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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