IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

in many countries, people are now living longer than ever before . Some people say an ageing population creates probelems for government. Others believe there are benefits is society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantage of having old aged people outweigh the disadvantages

It is argued that many problems arise with the increase in the old
age
Use synonyms
 population. Many
people
Use synonyms
 think that having old
people
Use synonyms
 around is a blessing as they teach the next
generation
Use synonyms
 moral values. I strongly agree with the latter statement. There are several downsides
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 a society that has an increasing population of elderly
people
Use synonyms
. First and foremost would be economic instability. There are some companies that do not allow
people
Use synonyms
 to work after a certain
age
Use synonyms
 , so the load is directly transferred to the young
generation
Use synonyms
. In
this
Linking Words
 context, if there are more elderly
people
Use synonyms
 than youth,
then
Linking Words
, rate of unemployment increases , which leads to
destabilisation
Correct article usage
the destabilisation
show examples
 of the economy. The second reason would be increased dependency on the government . To elaborate
Linking Words
this
Change preposition
on this
show examples
, elderly
people
Use synonyms
 after a certain
age
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 become dependent on someone for their daily needs
,
Punctuation problem
.
show examples
 In
this
Linking Words
 way, it becomes impossible for them to earn and perform their daily tasks , so they ask the government to allocate
allowance
Correct article usage
an allowance
show examples
 or provide free spaces for
administration-supported
Correct article usage
an administration-supported
show examples
 care home .
For example
Linking Words
, in the United Kingdom , the rate of old
age
Use synonyms
 has increased.
Thus
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 government has to spend 30% of the tax money to support care homes.
Whereas
Linking Words
, there are some advantages of a community rich in old groups.
For instance
Linking Words
, the next
generation
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 learn basic etiquette and moral values swiftly
while
Linking Words
 following their forefathers' footsteps. Culture-related knowledge transfer across generations.
Moreover
Linking Words
, native language can be taught to the new
generation
Use synonyms
 easily if they live under the supervision of their grandparents. To exemplify, Pashto language is still being spoken by residents of Pakistan, because of the presence of grandparents, who teach their children
Pashto
Correct article usage
the Pashto
show examples
 language by speaking to them on a daily basis
along with
Linking Words
 other languages.
To conclude
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,
increase
Correct article usage
an increase
show examples
 population of one
age
Use synonyms
 group creates problems. A society with a balanced percentage of both the aged and the young group considered to be a successful society.
However
Linking Words
, having elderly
people
Use synonyms
 around is advantageous as the young
generation
Use synonyms
 is taught moral values and cultural aspects by their grandparents more effectively.

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task response
Make your view clear in the intro and keep it in every paragraph.
grammar
Use shorter, simple sentences and correct grammar to reduce mistakes.
coherence
Use clear links to join ideas, like 'also', 'however', and 'for example'.
examples
Give more real, simple examples to back each point.
balance
You show two sides of the topic.
structure
You use link words to show order and to join ideas.
evidence
You give real examples from the UK and from language use.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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