IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that technology has made men more sociable, and others think that it has made us less sociable. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Bulk
Correct article usage
The bulk
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 of
people
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 tend to consider that applied science has led men to
Use the right word
socialisation
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socialization
Punctuation problem
socialization,
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while
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 another group feels
otherwise
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. Both of the mentioned points of view will be discussed in
this
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 essay
and
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, and
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advocate
Correct pronoun usage
I advocate
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 the latter.
Firstly
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, automation is well appreciated by the majority for simplifying the variety of occupations in our lives.
For instance
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, there are species of online
markets
Check wording
marketplaces
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 where
people
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 are allowed to order their needs without leaving home.
Secondly
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, wherever
people
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 are, they can be connected with their friends and family in a blink. Eventually, I cannot fail to mention the digital
Use synonyms
technology
Check wording
technology's
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 profit for disabled
people
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that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 can participate at least in virtual life.
On the other hand
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, pulling
together with
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 friends and spending time in reality is the most crucial thing.
For example
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, it is observed by me personally that during the joint pastime
members
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, members
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 are concerned with their phones rather than the ongoing conversation.
Moreover
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, a sedentary lifestyle that contributes to poor health is a global problem of modern society
and
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, and
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 even
here
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here,
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technology
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 plays a key role
,
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. In
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in other words
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,
to sum up
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 a human addiction to
the
Correct article usage
apply
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devices and lack of physical activity
Verb problem
are brought
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brought out more likely
Correct word order
more likely brought out
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 by the
Use synonyms
technology
Check wording
apply
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development. Reaching the conclusion, today
technology
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 plays a major role in the contemporary world
due to
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 simplifying certain processes in our lives.
Thus
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,
technology
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 does not merely have a positive impact
,
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;
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 it may
also
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 reduce
social
Correct article usage
the social
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 skills of individuals and
consequently
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 may lead to a settled way of life.
Therefore
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, in my personal opinion, it is important not to overuse
technology
Use synonyms
’s capabilities and keep in mind the measure.

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task response
The topic is seen, you talk about both sides and give your view. But the main point is not very clear. Make your own view clear in the last paragraph and tie it to the intro.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are long and hard to read. Use short lines and one idea per sentence. Start each paragraph with a simple line that tells what the paragraph is about.
structure
Good plan: intro, two body parts, and a conclusion.
content
You give ideas from real life and show both sides.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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