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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some poorer areas of large cities people are too afraid to leave their houses at night time due to a fear of crime. What are the causes of crime in those areas and what can be done to tackle those problems?

Citizens who live in
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
poorer areas of big
cities
Use synonyms
usually
Verb problem
are usually
show examples
 not brave enough to go out at night
time
Check wording
apply
show examples
because of the
crime
Use synonyms
 potential.
This
Linking Words
 can happen in large
cities
Use synonyms
, because
individuals are
Verb problem
it is
show examples
 difficult to get a
job
Use synonyms
,
consequencing
Verb problem
resulting
show examples
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
arise
Use the right word
rise
show examples
 of poor
people
Use synonyms
.
Use synonyms
Government
Correct article usage
The government
show examples
 can give a subsidy
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the poor so they can have a good living and not
doing
Verb problem
commit
show examples
Use synonyms
crime
Correct article usage
a crime
show examples
. Nowadays, the public from small
cities
Use synonyms
 is going to huge
cities
Use synonyms
 to search for a
job
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
cause
Correct subject-verb agreement
causes
show examples
 an increasing number of
people
Use synonyms
 who live in big
cities
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
causing to
Wrong verb form
causes
show examples
 a bigger competition for each
individuals
Fix the agreement mistake
individual
show examples
 to get a
job
Use synonyms
, especially for those who do not have a higher educational background.
Therefore
Linking Words
, many
people
Use synonyms
 who do not get a
job
Use synonyms
 become poorer and homeless, which potentially
do
Verb problem
leads them to
show examples
 some crimes. To reduce the number of crimes in large
cities
Use synonyms
,
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 could give
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
regulation
Fix the agreement mistake
regulations
show examples
 to the poor
people
Use synonyms
,
such
Linking Words
 as giving them
subsidies
Use synonyms
, so they can afford
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
basic necessary things.
Besides
Linking Words
 the
subsidies
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
basic needs,
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 could
also
Linking Words
 give the poor citizens
subsidies
Use synonyms
 in
educational
Correct article usage
the educational
show examples
 sector. By doing
Linking Words
this
Correct pronoun usage
it this
show examples
 way, individuals could get a better
job
Use synonyms
 so they can
fulfill
Use the right word
fulfil
show examples
 their basic needs. In consequence,
crime
Use synonyms
 would not
be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
happen if the basic needs
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 each
citizens
Fix the agreement mistake
citizen
show examples
 have already been afforded.
To sum up
Linking Words
,
crime
Use synonyms
 in the poorer areas of large
cities
Use synonyms
 is caused by the difficulties
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 to
get
Wrong verb form
getting
show examples
 a
job
Use synonyms
, but
this
Linking Words
 can be decreased by
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
regulation
Fix the agreement mistake
regulations
show examples
 which is made by the
government
Use synonyms
,
such
Linking Words
 as giving
subsidies
Use synonyms
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
poor
people
Use synonyms
 to meet their basic needs.

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structure
Make a plan with two clear parts: causes and fixes. Start a new paragraph for each.
coherence
Link ideas with simple words. Use 'also', 'and', 'because', 'so' to join ideas.
content
Explain how each fix helps. Add more proof or detail, not only say 'subsidies'.
grammar
Check grammar and form. Use 'poorer areas' not 'a poorer areas'.
vocabulary
Use a wider range of plain words, but keep to top 100 words.
content
The idea of crime tied to lack of work is clear.
structure
You show a plan of action with subsidies and education.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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