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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Today, many parents and teachers think it is important to supervise children’s activities more closely. However, others think they should have more freedom. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

There have been differing views over the extent to which
parents
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 and instructors should
have monitored
Wrong verb form
monitor
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children
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’s
behaviors
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behaviours
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 and activities.
While
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 some believe that
this
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 monitoring ought to be up close,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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other perceive giving freedom is more logical.
However
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, I think it is of high significance to have balance in different upbringing stages. On the one hand, proponents of supervising up close provide
tow
Use the right word
two
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 reasons for
this
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.
First,
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direct monitoring allows teachers to find
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children’
Check wording
children’s
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 talents.
Tat
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That
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 is to say teacher
by
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, by
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 evaluating
results
Correct article usage
the results
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 of
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children
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children's
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performances
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performances,
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 can find in which field they are more talented and they can guide
children
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 with
highly
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a high
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percentage
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degree
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confidence
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of confidence
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.
Moreover
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, direct and close
supervising
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supervision
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 can build a strong relationship between
parents
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 and their
children
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. Being strong bond led to when a problem comes up,
children
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 could conveniently trust their
parents
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 and
confine
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confide
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 in them.
This
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 especially becomes important during adolescence.
Therefore
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, discovering innate talents by teachers and building strong family ties can be perceived as the benefits of high close monitoring. Having said that, I believe that at every stage of
children
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’s
upbringing
Add a comma
upbringing,
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 both viewpoints are
necessary
Punctuation problem
necessary,
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although
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 I concede that it is undeniable that
parents
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 have to give their
children
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 enough freedom to gain
high
Correct article usage
a high
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 level of self-confidence, independence, and creative thinking for their future life
especially
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, especially
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 in critical circumstances. To put the case into
perspective
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perspective,
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 almost
adolescents
Correct determiner usage
all adolescents
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 tend to spend a great deal of their time with their
friend
Fix the agreement mistake
friends
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 and they largely lose their desire to spend
with
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time with
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 their
parents
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.
As a
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result
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result,
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 during that period
having
Punctuation problem
, having
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 a close monitoring approach
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 more likely to end up with negative results.
Besides
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this
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,
children
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 mainly have much
potentials
Fix the agreement mistake
potential
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 that can be converted to actual potential.
In other words
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, instructors with
having
Verb problem
apply
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a supervising eye can discover those capabilities and help to thrive.
Therefore
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, depending on which stage of child rearing we are in, different approaches would be adopted. In conclusion, I personally think that we should strike a balance between giving more freedom and monitoring closely at various upbringing steps.
Although
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 each approach could have its own benefits, at
unsuitable
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an unsuitable
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 time they can backfire.

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task
State your main view early and back it with more clear facts or examples.
coherence
Use a good flow in each para. Start with a topic sentence, then add a few link words like first, next, also, but.
strength
You show a view on both sides and end with your own view.
structure
The essay has clear parts: start, middle, and end.
content
You use ideas like talents and trust to back points.
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