IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people think that the increase in the number of obese people should be the responsibility of the governments, while other think it should be the responsibility of individuals. Discuss both sides and give your opinion

It is irrefutable that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 obesity
is
Verb problem
has
show examples
 always remained a debatable issue around the world.
Therefore
Linking Words
, some individuals
aruge
Correct your spelling
argue
 that authority is
answerable
Correct word choice
responsible
show examples
 for having over body weight
amongs
Correct your spelling
among
people
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
,
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
 believe that
masses
Correct article usage
the masses
show examples
 are accountable for their
body's
Check wording
body
show examples
 fat.
This
Linking Words
 essay intends to analyse both perspectives.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, I incline to the
later
Use the right word
latter
show examples
 point of view.
Although
Linking Words
 the
numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
number
show examples
 of
people
Use synonyms
 with excessive body weight has been increasing
nowadasys
Correct your spelling
nowadays
due to
Linking Words
unhealthy
Correct article usage
an unhealthy
show examples
 lifestyle,
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 may control
this
Linking Words
delimma
Correct your spelling
dilemma
through subsidize
Change preposition
by subsidising
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
healthy
food
Use synonyms
 and
facilitate
Wrong verb form
facilitating
show examples
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
public
Gym
Fix the agreement mistake
gyms
show examples
,
stadium
Fix the agreement mistake
stadiums
show examples
.
In other words
Linking Words
, for
council
Correct article usage
the council
show examples
, the most prominent solution for
this
Linking Words
 threat is the promotion of healthy
food
Use synonyms
, either by giving
discount
Fix the agreement mistake
discounts
show examples
 and removing taxes or constructing
Gym
Correct article usage
a Gym
show examples
, stadium with free entry, which may not only lead locals to eat healthy cost
effective
Correct word choice
cost-effective
show examples
food
Use synonyms
 but
also
Linking Words
increase
Verb problem
encourage them
show examples
 to do physical
exercise
Use synonyms
.
Consequently
Linking Words
, a minor number of obese individuals would be observed in
country
Correct article usage
the country
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
, in India, the general public is always permitted to government-run stadiums with healthy diets that yield positive outcomes in terms of health.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 are responsible for having
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
 lifestyle themselves,
it
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 can be controlled by both
public
Correct article usage
the public
show examples
 and
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 at the same time.
Thus
Linking Words
, authority can only
implements
Correct subject-verb agreement
implement
show examples
 policies to stimulate fitness, locals are simultaneously responsible for adopting
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
 diet, engaging in regular
exercise
Use synonyms
, and participating in community health programmes.
Along with
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
, I personally think that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 the only
initatives
Correct your spelling
initiatives
 by
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 would be ineffective if one does not adhere
it
Change preposition
to it
show examples
. Thereby, individuals
require
Verb problem
need
show examples
 to be
co-operative
Use the right word
cooperative
show examples
 to
embarce
Correct your spelling
embrace
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
 lifestyle,
such
Linking Words
 as
dedicated
Wrong verb form
dedicating
show examples
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 regular
exercise
Use synonyms
, consuming healthy
food
Use synonyms
, educating or
ecouraging
Correct your spelling
encouraging
 children about health, etc. In conclusion,
In
Fix capitalization
in
show examples
 spite of blaming management,
people
Use synonyms
more
Verb problem
are more
show examples
 responsible
to deal
Change preposition
for dealing
show examples
 with obesity by opting
superior
Change preposition
for superior
show examples
 quality
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
food
Use synonyms
, including some physical
exercise
Use synonyms
 in
schedule
Correct pronoun usage
their schedule
show examples
.

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grammar
Check spelling and grammar to be clear.
structure
Use short lines and small ideas. Break long sentences.
content
Add more clear facts or examples to back up ideas.
coherence
Use good links to connect ideas from part to part.
content
The essay shows you know both sides.
position
You give your own view.
example
You use a real life example to back up your idea.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • responsibility
  • government intervention
  • public health
  • individual choices
  • lifestyle habits
  • health education
  • food environment
  • socioeconomic factors
  • nutrition awareness
  • unhealthy eating
  • caloric intake
  • dietary guidelines
  • personal accountability
  • cultural influences
  • advertising impact
  • community resources
What to do next:
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