IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

​​These days, more and more young people are suffering from long-term stress and anxiety. What do you think are the causes of this problem? What solutions can you suggest?

Stress is very commonly seen among youngsters. In
this
Linking Words
 contemporary era, millennials and
generation-z
Correct your spelling
Generation
are
Check wording
Z are
show examples
 facing mental health problems ,
such
Linking Words
 as long-term stress and anxiety.
This
Linking Words
 essay intends to delve into
causes
Correct article usage
the causes
show examples
 of
given
Correct article usage
the given
show examples
 phenomena and suggest some ways forward prior to embarking on a suitable conclusion.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, the prime reason is workplace pressure as people tend to take
lot
Correct article usage
a lot
show examples
 of responsibilities to secure
better
Correct article usage
a better
show examples
 position in the firm.
For instance
Linking Words
,
There
Fix capitalization
there
show examples
 was a survey done by one of the world's level
organization
Use the right word
organisations
show examples
, in which
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
they mentioned that people
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
who work for extended hours are more likely to suffer from depression.
Hence
Linking Words
, workload would ultimately
leads
Correct subject-verb agreement
lead
show examples
 to stress.
Apart from
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
, social media platforms are becoming
major
Correct article usage
a major
show examples
 part
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 every individual's life ,especially among
new
Correct article usage
the new
show examples
 generation.They spend ample
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
hours on screen by watching reels on applications like
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 Instagram and TikTok rather than choosing
outer
Correct article usage
the outer
show examples
 environment and family gatherings.
As a result
Linking Words
, being alone most of the time is affecting their mental health.
On the contrary
Linking Words
, to tackle
this
Linking Words
 hurdle, there are certain measures that can be followed . First and
Foremost
Fix capitalization
foremost
show examples
 is availing
scope
Correct article usage
the scope
show examples
 related to
job
Correct article usage
the job
show examples
 in the future
as
Punctuation problem
, as
show examples
 every employer should take some steps
on giving
Change preposition
to give
show examples
equal
Correct article usage
an equal
show examples
 amount of opportunities for every employee as per their potential, which would definitely
leads
Correct subject-verb agreement
lead
show examples
 to
sense
Correct article usage
a sense
show examples
 of belongingness and establish
positive
Correct article usage
a positive
show examples
 environment at work. To cite an epitome, Companies with more growth opportunities
are having
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 more enjoyable surroundings, as compared to
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 those with less.
In addition
Linking Words
 to
this
Linking Words
, guardian should impose restrictions on the screen time of their children and set
some
Correct determiner usage
a
show examples
 time
-
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 limit on using multiple applications .
Moreover
Linking Words
, they should develop habits like spending
atleast
Correct your spelling
at least
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
 hours
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a day wth family.
To sum up
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
 there are certain reasons behind the issue. These should be eradicated by
less
Correct article usage
a less
show examples
 biased boss and
limitation
Fix the agreement mistake
limitations
show examples
 on electronic gadgets.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

content
Add more clear, specific examples for each cause and for each solution; show how one change can help reduce stress.
structure
Make a stronger conclusion that sums up points and gives a final thought.
language
Use more simple and direct words; fix grammar for accuracy.
coherence
Check punctuation and connect ideas with simple links like 'and', 'but', 'also'
content
The essay has both causes and solutions.
structure
An intro and a conclusion are present.
coherence
Ideas are linked through some linking words.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: