IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

the bar chart shows the online sales of smartphones, laptops and tablets in the first quarter of the year.

the bar chart shows the online sales of smartphones, laptops and tablets in the first quarter of the year.
he
Use the right word
The
show examples
 bar graph gives
infromation
Correct your spelling
information
 about the amount of money
did
Verb problem
apply
show examples
people
spend
Wrong verb form
spent
show examples
 on
Smartphones
Use synonyms
,
Laptops
Use synonyms
 and
Tablets
Use synonyms
 in the
fisrt
Correct your spelling
first
 four
monthS
Use the right word
months
show examples
 of the year. Units are measured in sales in
million
Fix the agreement mistake
millions
show examples
.
Overall
Linking Words
, the highest figure of buying new devices was in March,
while
Linking Words
 April
was
Verb problem
had
show examples
 the lowest number of buyers.
Smartphones
Use synonyms
 were the most sales, overtaking the others;
by contrast
Linking Words
,
Laptops
Use synonyms
 were the least popular products
amoung
Correct your spelling
among
 the public. In March, people spent around 70M on
Smartphones
Use synonyms
 as opposed to approximately 60M on
Tablets
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 the expenditure
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
Laptops
Use synonyms
 was the
less
Replace the word
least
show examples
 common
amoung
Correct your spelling
among
 people, with over 20M.
Meanwhile
Add a comma
Meanwhile,
show examples
 the first month of the same year was exactly the
oppiste
Correct your spelling
opposite
 ( almost 20M and 30M
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 50M respectively ).
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
Tablets
Use synonyms
 were the MOST popular item between
Smartphones
Use synonyms
 and
Laptops
Use synonyms
, with about 60M in February;
in contrast
Linking Words
,
Tablets
Use synonyms
 were the least common category between them, with nearly 30M.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words smartphones, laptops, tablets, m with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: