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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below gives information on the numbers of participants for different activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia for the period 2000to 2020

The graph below gives information on the numbers of participants for different activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia for the period 2000to 2020
The line chart illustrates the
numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
number
show examples
 of attenders for five activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia
over
Punctuation problem
, over
show examples
 the period of 20 years.
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 the film club was by far the most popular activity among
five
Correct article usage
the five
show examples
 categories.
While
Linking Words
 the Amateur dramatics experienced
downward
Correct article usage
a downward
show examples
 trend over the period. Moving to the details, the film club showed the highest number of
people
Use synonyms
, which was around 65 participants,
Correct word choice
and almost
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almost remained
Correct word order
remained almost
show examples
 stable in these two decades.
By contrast
Linking Words
, in 2000, the Amateur dramatics
account
Replace the word
accounted
show examples
 for approximately 28 individuals,
then
Linking Words
 rose slightly after five years before
plummet
Replace the word
plummeting
show examples
 to about 8
people
Use synonyms
. In terms of the martial arts, it saw
fluctuated
Replace the word
fluctuating
show examples
figure
Fix the agreement mistake
figures
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 over the period
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
shown, which was around 38
people
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the end of year. The number of attenders in the Table tennis remained stable from 2005 and 2010, with 20
people
Use synonyms
. After a decade, it surged to above 50
people
Use synonyms
. Interestingly, the musical performances provided a negligible figure in the beginning. In 2014, the number of participants
joined
Wrong verb form
joining
show examples
 musical performances overtook the Amateur dramatics
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 after 6 years, it rose steadily to nearly 20
people
Use synonyms
.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words people with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "numbers of" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "remained" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "stable" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • participants
  • social centre
  • comparison
  • trends
  • consistently popular
  • gained popularity
  • lost popularity
  • community interest
  • availability of facilities
  • social factors
  • economic factors
  • external events
  • economic downturns
  • health crises
  • demographic changes
  • aging population
  • marketing
  • community outreach programs
  • participation rates
  • Melbourne
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