IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

3.Unemployment leads to a rise in crime in many countries.why? how to solve this problem？

Unemployment has become a serious issue in many countries, and it is often linked to the rising level of
crime
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.
This
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 essay will examine the main reasons behind
this
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 connection and suggest possible solutions. One of the main reasons why unemployment leads to
crime
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 is the financial pressure on individuals who cannot meet their basic needs. Population growth and the outbreak of certain diseases have led to resource shortages, reducing people’s sense of happiness, and even leading to the emergence of extreme
behaviors
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behaviours
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. Another factor is the frustration and loss of self-esteem caused by long-term joblessness, which may drive some people towards illegal activities.
In addition
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, unemployed young people often have too much free time, making them more vulnerable to negative peer influence. For many, employment is not just a way to earn money but
also
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 a source of identity, purpose, and social recognition. When individuals remain unemployed for months or years, they often feel a sense of failure or worthlessness, especially when comparing themselves to employed peers. To tackle
this
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 problem, governments should create more job opportunities,
for
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example
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example,
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 by supporting small businesses or investing in public projects. At the same time, education and training programs can help people gain new skills and improve their employability.
Furthermore
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, social welfare and counselling services should be provided to reduce the stress and prevent individuals from turning to
crime
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. In conclusion, unemployment can lead to
crime
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 mainly because of financial difficulties, frustration, and social influence.
However
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, with joint efforts from governments, schools, and communities,
this
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 problem can be effectively reduced.

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task response
Task Response: Your essay says the problem and gives reasons and fixes, but the link to crime is not always clear. Be sure your main idea is clear in each part. Stay on one idea in each paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and Cohesion: Make the flow easier. Use clear link words and keep each paragraph to one main idea. Use better links from problem to fix.
content
Clear reasons such as money need, lost self esteem, and peer pressure.
structure
Gives ideas to fix the problem like more jobs and training.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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