IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many children today are overweight and unhealthy. Give reasons to explain this and give solutions to fix this problem.

The world is a different place today , especially when it comes to the health of
children
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.
Obesity
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 among
children
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 is a serious concern in multiple communities.
This
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 essay will examine the reasons for
this
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 problem and the solutions to solve it. There are multiple reasons to explain
this
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 serious issue. The primary reason is the high consumption of fast
food
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.
This
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 type of
food
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 is filled with high calories and saturated fats, which in turn increases the chances of gaining weight.
Also
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, fast
food
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 is a reason behind many diseases
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such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 fatty liver disease. Second, the high consumption of sugar .
is
Correct pronoun usage
It is
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 a serious contributor. Soft drinks can be an ideal example of the unhealthy drinks that are loaded with sugar.
In addition
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, the lack of physical activity is another reason . Most
children
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 are playing video games
instead
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 of participating in games requiring physical activity.
Also
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, the dependence on cars and public transportation to reach schools is another example of the lack of movement.
However
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, there are several excellent solutions available to solve
this
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 issue. First, increase restrictions on fast
food
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 restaurants.
For example
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, they should be monitored regarding the ingredients of their
food
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.
Also
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, they should move to a healthier menu.
Second,
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encourage
children
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 to be more active and engage in sports. The government should establish sports centres , particularly focused on
children
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. These projects allow
children
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 to be physically active after school.
Finally
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, increasing awareness of
obesity
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 in the community is definitely an effective way to solve it. Everyone should be knowledgeable about
obesity
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 and its dangers. Schools should offer courses on fitness and wellness. In conclusion, it is obvious that there are several reasons responsible for creating the problem of child
obesity
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.
On the other hand
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, there are a number of solutions to overcome
this
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 global problem.

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coherence
Use a clear topic sentence for each paragraph and keep ideas simple and linked.
task
Give more detail to points and show how each cause links to a solution.
language
Check spelling and grammar to avoid small errors and keep consistent tense.
structure
The essay has a clear layout with introduction, body and conclusion.
content
The writer covers reasons and many solutions, showing a good idea spread.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • behave
  • better
  • punished
  • rewarded
  • believe
  • effective
  • arguing
  • immediately
  • unwanted
  • fear
  • pain
  • good
  • actions
  • praise
  • treated
  • learn
  • positive
  • feedback
  • happy
  • feel
  • repeat
  • future
  • create
  • problems
  • rather
  • learn
  • wrong
  • caught
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