IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Parents of obese children should be punished for making them fat. Do you agree or disagree?

It is argued that
parents
Use synonyms
 should be penalised if their
children
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are suffered
Wrong verb form
suffer
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 from
obesity
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.
This
Linking Words
 essay disagrees with
this
Linking Words
 statement because
obesity
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 can be caused by genetic and
children
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 often eat unhealthy food outside their home.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, it is undeniable to believe that genetics can be a contributing factor
for
Change preposition
to
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obesity
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. Unlike other contributing
factor
Fix the agreement mistake
factors
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,
genetic
Replace the word
genetics
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 contributed over 75% from both
parents
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 and
inherent
Verb problem
is inherited
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 by their
children
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.
In addition
Linking Words
, if at least one or both father and mother in a household are overweight,
then
Linking Words
 it is unlikely that their offspring will become slim and skinny.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, recent research from
United
Correct article usage
the United
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State
Fix the agreement mistake
States
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 revealed that genetics is the most significant component, which can result in not only their body size, but
also
Linking Words
 hormone levels.
Parents
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 are not present when
children
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 consume most of their food. When
children
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 are at school, they eat snacks and have lunch, and the adults have no control over their dietary intake during
this
Linking Words
 time. A child could consume the vast majority of their calories during these unsupervised periods, without their mother and father’s knowledge or permission. And much of
this
Linking Words
 intake could take the form of junk food. A recent study found that primary school students consume an average of 75% of their daily recommended calorific allowance during school hours. Given the above arguments,
although
Linking Words
parents
Use synonyms
 are responsible for youth growth and development, they should not be penalised by causing their offspring to become overweight. Schools will need to conduct and implement educational videos and presentations to mitigate the increasing rate
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
obesity
Use synonyms
 among teenagers.

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task response
Task response: State your view in the first line. Then add two clear reasons and one simple example. Stay on the question.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: Use easy links between ideas. Start each paragraph with the main idea. Use words like 'first', 'also', 'but', 'however'.
stance
You show a clear view that punishing parents is not right.
structure
The essay uses plan like intro, body, and short end.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • genetics
  • socio-economic status
  • nutritional education
  • physical activity programs
  • adverse effects
  • mental health issues
  • responsibility sharing
  • implementation
  • privileged families
  • supportive environment
  • lifestyle changes
  • educational campaigns
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