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Writing Samples
Band 6

The charts below show the use of water for agriculture products in Australia in 2004 and values of these products to the Australian economy in the same year. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The charts below show the use of water for agriculture products in Australia in 2004 and values of these products to the Australian economy in the same year. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The pie charts compare
water
Use synonyms
 usage and
income
Use synonyms
 for agricultural products in Australia.
Overall
Linking Words
, the
livestock
Use synonyms
 is the largest
while
Linking Words
 fruit is the smallest on
water
Use synonyms
 cost, and the
dairy
Use synonyms
 is the majority in the
income
Use synonyms
. (
Overall
Linking Words
,
livestock
Use synonyms
 accounts for the largest share of
water
Use synonyms
use
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 sugar is the smallest, and
dairy
Use synonyms
 contributes the largest share of
income
Use synonyms
.) For
water
Use synonyms
use
Use synonyms
,
livestock
Use synonyms
 accounts for about 36
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
,
while
Linking Words
dairy
Use synonyms
 and rice represent roughly 29
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 and 15
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
. Fruit makes up only around 4
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
, and sugar around 3
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
; vegetables and crops
use
Use synonyms
 8
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 and 5
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
, respectively. By
income
Use synonyms
,
dairy
Use synonyms
 accounts for 30
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
,
while
Linking Words
 crop and vegetable represent 20
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 and 17
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
. Rice makes only 1
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
. Taken together, the
livestock
Use synonyms
 used the largest quantity of
water
Use synonyms
 and brought
income
Use synonyms
, which was not comparable. The
income
Use synonyms
 from
livestock
Use synonyms
 was just half
Correct determiner usage
that as
show examples
as
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the
dairy
Use synonyms
. (--> Taken together,
livestock
Use synonyms
 used the most
water
Use synonyms
 but generated relatively modest
income
Use synonyms
(15
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
), about half that of
dairy
Use synonyms
.)
In contrast
Linking Words
, the
dairy
Use synonyms
 shows the parallel shares for
water
Use synonyms
use
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 and earnings (29
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 vs 30
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
). Notably, the
income
Use synonyms
 from fruits was four times its
water
Use synonyms
 usage, which shows its efficiency.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "overall, while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words water, income, livestock, dairy, use, percent with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "represent" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "shows" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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