IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Governments needs to spend money to encourage the development of sports and art for school students, rather than to support professional sports or art events. Do you agree or disagree?

There have been some discussions over whether governments should put
investment
Use synonyms
 into developing professional
sports
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 and
art
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events
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 or getting
students
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 interested in
sports
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 and
art
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activities
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 in schools. I think
investment
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 in both areas can be beneficial to society’s mental health. On the one hand, it could be argued that it is of high importance that
students
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’ artistic and
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
activities
Use synonyms
to be
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 considered alongside school subjects for two reasons.
First,
Linking Words
it provides an equal opportunity for
students
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 from different walks of life to develop their
potentials
Fix the agreement mistake
potential
show examples
 and capabilities.
In other words
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, some
students
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 may not get the chance of learning and
engagement
Replace the word
engage
show examples
 in
sports
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 and artistic
activities
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. For another, no one can deny that the learning process in
students
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 is more convenient and faster as well.
That is
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 to say, as people grow older, their mental and physical
activities
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 gradually decrease for learning something new , and their functions would not be as good as they
have
Verb problem
used
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 to be. Take gymnastics as an example.
This
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 sport needs a high level of physical flexibility
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 is more common in
students
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 than in adults. On the one hand,
investment
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 in
sports
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 and
art
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events
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 can bring about motivation and happiness for society and individuals.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
that
Correct determiner usage
the
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government
Check wording
government's
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supports
Correct subject-verb agreement
support
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holding
Change preposition
for holding
show examples
art
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 exhibitions and
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
events
Use synonyms
 could motivate individuals to prepare themselves and improve their
potentials
Fix the agreement mistake
potential
show examples
 and abilities to triumph in those
events
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. By doing
so
Punctuation problem
so,
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 athletes and
artistic
Replace the word
artists
show examples
 may even get the chance to participate in international competitions.
Moreover
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, society can take advantage of
this
Linking Words
 opportunity.
Investment
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 in
art
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events
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 and professional
sports
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competition
Fix the agreement mistake
competitions
show examples
 not only would entertain people, but
also
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incentivize
Change the spelling
incentivise
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 some of them to take up a new hobby
instead
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 of wasting their free time with useless
activities
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. To
some
Use the right word
sum
show examples
 up, I think we should strike a balance between
investment
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 in developing
students
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’ artistic and
sports
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activities
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 and supporting to
hold
Replace the word
holding
show examples
professional
Change preposition
of professional
show examples
events
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as exhibitions and competitions, with both having their own advantages for society and individuals.

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structure
Plan your text with a clear start, middle and end. Have a short intro, two body parts that show the two sides, and a clear ending that states your view.
grammar
Use simple words and fix small errors. Check grammar and word order, for example 'To sum up' instead of 'To some up'.
content
Give more strong ideas and real details. The plan can show how money in schools helps sport and art and how it helps in pro events.
coherence
Link ideas with good transitions. Use 'also', 'however', 'but' and 'in addition' to guide the reader.
stance
The essay shows a clear view that both areas can be good for society.
example
There is a real example of gymnastics to show your point.
structure
The closing idea asks for a balance, which fits the task.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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