IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.
The bar chart illustrates the proportion of Australian
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
 in six
age
Use synonyms
 groups who took part in regular physical activity in 2010.
Overall
Linking Words
,
women
Use synonyms
 showed higher percentages than
men
Use synonyms
 in most
age
Use synonyms
 groups,
while
Linking Words
 the highest figure for
men
Use synonyms
 was among the youngest
group
Use synonyms
, and the rates for both
gender
Fix the agreement mistake
genders
show examples
 were similar in the oldest
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
. In the 15 to 24
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
,
men
Use synonyms
 had the highest participation rate at about 52.8%, which was higher than the rate
47.7
Change preposition
of 47.7
show examples
% for
women
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, the
percentages
Fix the agreement mistake
percentage
show examples
 of
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 declined sharply to around 42.2% in the
age
Use synonyms
25
Check wording
group 25
show examples
 to 34 and reached the lowest level at approximately 39.5% among the 35 to 44
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
.
By contrast
Linking Words
,
women
Use synonyms
 showed a gradual increase, rising from 47.7% to 48.9% and
then
Linking Words
 to 52.5% in the same
age
Use synonyms
 ranges. From the
middle
Use the right word
middle-aged
show examples
age
Use synonyms
 stage, participation rose for both genders,
although
Linking Words
women
Use synonyms
 remained more active. Among people aged 45 to 54 and 55 to 64, female rates were about 53.3% and 53%, compared with 43.1% and 45.1% for
men
Use synonyms
. In the oldest
group
Use synonyms
, aged 65 and over, the figures were nearly the same, at roughly 46.7% for
men
Use synonyms
 and 47.1% for
women
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words men, women, age, group with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "showed" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical activity
  • Regular exercise
  • Age demographics
  • Participation rate
  • Trend analysis
  • Gender disparity
  • Health initiatives
  • Public health policies
  • Statistical comparison
  • Lifestyle choices
  • Work commitments
  • Age-related factors
  • Preventative health
  • Exercise habits
  • Surveillance data
  • Motivators and barriers
What to do next:
Look at other essays: