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Writing Samples
Band 7

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.
The bar chart shows the percentage of Australian
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
 in six age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010 In
general
Add a comma
general,
show examples
women
Use synonyms
 were more active than
men
Use synonyms
 in almost all age groups except the youngest
The
Punctuation problem
. The
show examples
 difference between the two genders was the biggest in middle
age
Punctuation problem
age,
show examples
 when
women
Use synonyms
 had much higher numbers than
men
Use synonyms
 For people aged 15 to 24
men
Use synonyms
 did a little more exercise than
women
Use synonyms
 But from 25 to 64
women
Use synonyms
 were always ahead The clearest gap was in the 35 to 44 group when over half of
women
Use synonyms
 were active
while
Linking Words
 only about two out of five
men
Use synonyms
 joined in The same situation appeared in the 45 to 54 and 55 to 64 groups where
women
Use synonyms
 stayed above
men
Use synonyms
 by several points
Linking Words
Finally
Punctuation problem
Finally,
show examples
 in the oldest
group
Punctuation problem
group,
show examples
 people aged 65 and over
the
Punctuation problem
, the
show examples
 two genders were almost the same
with
Punctuation problem
, with
show examples
 only a very small difference

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 82%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words men, women with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "shows" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "difference" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical activity
  • Regular exercise
  • Age demographics
  • Participation rate
  • Trend analysis
  • Gender disparity
  • Health initiatives
  • Public health policies
  • Statistical comparison
  • Lifestyle choices
  • Work commitments
  • Age-related factors
  • Preventative health
  • Exercise habits
  • Surveillance data
  • Motivators and barriers
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