IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say parent should encourage their children to participate in team activities in the free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. Discuss and give your opinion.

Some people argue that families should engage their
children
Use synonyms
 in group
activities
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 during
spare
Correct pronoun usage
their spare
show examples
time
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,
while
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 others believe that it is essential that
children
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 learn to entertain themselves independently. I personally believe that it is preferable if parent
enroll
Change the spelling
enrol
show examples
 their
children
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 in group
activities
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 as it adds a substantial meaning more than if they are left alone.
This
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 essay will discuss both perspectives,
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then
Correct word choice
and then
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 I will present my own opinion. First of all, leaving
children
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 to decide on entertainment
activities
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 by themselves is a good approach to enhance
independency
Replace the word
independence
show examples
.
This
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 is because there will be no strict roles or a fixed timing
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
 when to do the activity.
Additionally
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, it
provide
Correct subject-verb agreement
provides
show examples
 a
spece
Correct your spelling
space
 for
youngers
Use the right word
young people
show examples
 to practice creativity in producing crafts,
for example
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,
art work
Use the right word
artwork
show examples
 or invent a new way to play a game.
As a result
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, it improves cognitive functioning since the child is actively setting the terms and playing
accordingly
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.
On the other hand
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, parents who
chose
Wrong verb form
choose
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 to
enroll
Change the spelling
enrol
show examples
 their young
children
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 in group-based
activities
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 believe that
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
structured planning, especially in
teams’
Check wording
teams
show examples
theme
Fix the agreement mistake
themes
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,
ensure
Correct subject-verb agreement
ensures
show examples
 that their
children
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 are fully occupied, safe, and having fun. Primarily, mothers and fathers who work for longer shifts
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 can not always supervise their
children
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 on a daily basis.
Thus
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, the
children
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’s chances
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 engaging in harmful
activities
Use synonyms
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
increased
Change preposition
as increased
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 screen
time
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 or riding a bike recklessly,
believed
Verb problem
are believed
show examples
 to be high. I completely agree with
this
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 idea,
while
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children
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 are enjoying free
time
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, team
activities
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 provide a
well planned
Use the right word
well-planned
show examples
, valuable way to effectively and safely contain young
children
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. In conclusion, some individuals argue that team
activities
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 are
ecouraged
Correct your spelling
encouraged
 over independent entertainment. In my point of view, group-based
activities
Use synonyms
 tend to be well supervised and well structured to manage
children
Use synonyms
’s free
time
Use synonyms
effectiently
Correct your spelling
effectively
.

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content
Explain each view with a clear reason and give at least one example.
organization
Use a simple plan: opening sentence, one idea per paragraph with a topic sentence, then a short ending.
language
Fix spelling and grammar. Words like independency, spece, younger, teams’ theme, effectiently should be corrected.
vocabulary
Choose simple, correct words and avoid rare long forms. Build a steady word use.
cohesion
Add linking words to connect ideas, such as also, however, for example, therefore.
structure
Clear layout with intro, two body parts, and conclusion.
cohesion
Some linking words link ideas well.
stance
The writer has a clear view stated in the essay.
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