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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below shows the number of books read by men and women at Burnaby Public Library from 2011 to 2014.

The graph below shows the number of books read by men and women at Burnaby Public Library from 2011 to 2014.
The line graph compares the
amount
Check wording
number
show examples
 of
books
Use synonyms
 read by
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
 at Burnaby Public Library during the period 2011-2014.
Overall
Linking Words
,it is evident that the statistics for
men
Use synonyms
 never declined
they
Punctuation problem
; they
show examples
 rose sharply
, the
Punctuation problem
. The
show examples
women
Use synonyms
's
indication
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indices
show examples
 were
also
Linking Words
 rising well, but when their
index
Replace the word
indices
show examples
 crossed with the
men
Use synonyms
's, their
mark
Fix the agreement mistake
marks
show examples
 began to fluctuate
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 in the
end
Punctuation problem
end,
show examples
 their statistics were low. Indication for
men
Use synonyms
 started in 2011 with 5000 and in the next 3 years rose steeply,
thereafter
Linking Words
 in
2013
Punctuation problem
2013,
show examples
while
Linking Words
 the figure
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
two
Correct article usage
the two
show examples
 genders crossed their index of read
books
Use synonyms
totaled
Change the spelling
totalled
show examples
 10000. And
Linking Words
further
Punctuation problem
further,
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 it
is
Verb problem
apply
show examples
was just rising
at the end
Linking Words
 in
2014
Punctuation problem
2014,
show examples
 year they was 14000.
By contrast
Linking Words
, Statistics for
women
Use synonyms
 have been rising steadily since 2011. Their peak was 10,000
books
Use synonyms
 read in 2013, but in the same year, it began to decline sharply, and
at the end
Linking Words
 of the period, the number of
books
Use synonyms
 read by
women
Use synonyms
 was only 7,000. U.Ayazhan

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "at the end".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words books, men, women with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "declined" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fifth paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • library
  • gender
  • reading habits
  • compare
  • significantly
  • trends
  • increase/decrease
  • consistent
  • fluctuate
  • period
  • summarise
  • graph
  • public library
  • books read
  • Burnaby Public Library
  • 2011 to 2014
  • male
  • female
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