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Writing Samples
Band 5

Parents are putting a lot of pressure on their children to succeed. What are the reasons for this? Is it a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

There is no denying the fact that many
parents
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 nowadays put a lot of
pressure
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 on their
kids
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 to succeed in life.
While
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 it is commonly held belief that
this
Linking Words
 helps
children
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 to achieve more in life, there is
also
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 an argument that it may have
negative
Correct article usage
a negative
show examples
 effect. In my opinion, I consider that too much
pressure
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 on
kids
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 is more harmful than beneficial.
To begin
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 with,
on e
Use the right word
one
show examples
 of the main reasons
parents
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 push their
children
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 is competition.
In other words
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, today’s world is very competitive, and
parents
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 want their
kids
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 to have good jobs and
high
Correct article usage
a high
show examples
 status.
In addition
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,
parents
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 often believe that strong academic performance will guarantee a successful future.
For example
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, many families expect their
children
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 to become doctors or engineers, even if the child is not interested in any job the
parents
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wants
Correct subject-verb agreement
want
show examples
 them to join. Another point to consider,
pressure
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 from
parents
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 can
also
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 come from social comparison. It is
also
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 possible to say that some
parents
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 want to show others that their
kids
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 are
more
Fix the agreement mistake
apply
show examples
smarter or more successful.
Moreover
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,
parents
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 may think that strict discipline will build responsibility.
For instance
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, they may force
children
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 to study for long hours and join extra classes without free time. In conclusion, despite people having different views, I believe that putting too much
pressure
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 on
children
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 is a negative development. It may cause stress, reduce motivation, and damage the relationship between
parents
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 and
kids
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. Success is important, but
children
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also
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 need freedom and happiness in their lives.

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coherence
Work on linking ideas with clear connectors between paragraphs. Use words like 'also', 'in addition', 'however', and 'for example' to tie ideas.
coherence
Improve precision in ideas. State a point, explain it, and give a clear example.
grammar
Check grammar and verb forms in places like 'the child is not interested' vs 'the child is not interested in any job the parents want them to join'.
task
Develop a stronger argument for both sides, then clearly give your opinion.
structure
Clear position on the topic from the start
content
Good attempt to give reasons and examples
structure
Conclusion restates view, showing task response
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