IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

The chart below shows infromation about Heart Attacks by Age and Gender in USA. Summarise the infromation by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The chart below shows infromation about Heart Attacks by Age and Gender in USA. Summarise the infromation by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The bar chart displays data concerning
heart
Use synonyms
attack
Fix the agreement mistake
attacks
show examples
 by age
including
Punctuation problem
, including
show examples
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 and
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
in
Punctuation problem
, in
show examples
 the United States.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is noteworthy that the rate of all US male citizens established itself as a dominant
in
Check wording
factor in
show examples
 the disease
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
linked
Verb problem
is linked
show examples
 to
Use synonyms
heart
Correct article usage
the heart
show examples
Linking Words
Punctuation problem
, according
show examples
according to
Change preposition
across
show examples
 different
ages
Fix the agreement mistake
age
show examples
.
Check wording
groups.
show examples
By
Linking Words
contrast
Add a comma
contrast,
show examples
 women exhibited no significant activity ,
although
Linking Words
Linking Words
then
Use the right word
the
show examples
 females witnessed in
the approximately
Correct word order
approximately the
show examples
 same mark
with
Change preposition
as
show examples
males
Use synonyms
. In
details
Fix the agreement mistake
detail
show examples
,among 45-64 men reported the highest indication with 424.000 , in comparison with women who represented 136.000.Ranging from 65,
males
Use synonyms
 went on
dominant
Correct article usage
the dominant
show examples
 cohort ,adding 16.000 to
previous
Correct article usage
the previous
show examples
 result.
Meanwhile
Add a comma
Meanwhile,
show examples
 females faced with sharp
augment
Check wording
increase
show examples
,hitting 374.000.
In contrast
Linking Words
, adults
less
Verb problem
are less
show examples
 likely
suffer
Verb problem
to suffer
show examples
 from
heart
Use synonyms
 diseases,
males
Use synonyms
directed to
Verb problem
aged
show examples
 29-44 were
index
Correct article usage
the index
show examples
 of
heart
Use synonyms
 attack
with
Punctuation problem
, with
show examples
 only 123.000 ,
comprising
Verb problem
compared
show examples
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 women by just 3000. In conclusion ,
males
Use synonyms
always
Verb problem
are always
show examples
 depicted
the
Change preposition
as the
show examples
 vast indication
Linking Words
while
Punctuation problem
, while
show examples
 females
were
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 proof of the lowest point.
However
Linking Words
,
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
 old
Fix the agreement mistake
age
show examples
ages
Add a comma
ages,
show examples
 they found in
notably
Replace the word
notable
show examples
 growth in
heart
Use synonyms
attack
Fix the agreement mistake
attacks
show examples
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words heart, males with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: