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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays, many schools find it profitable to sell unhealthy food and sugary drinks to students during lunch breaks. Is this a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Today, a lot of
schools
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 prefer to make a
profit
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 by selling
junk
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food
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 and sweet drinks during lunch breaks.
This
Linking Words
 is a negative development since it has a bad effect on their
students
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’
health
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, and
this
Linking Words
 essay will examine the reasons why we should be really concerned about
junk
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food
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 and sweet drinks.
Firstly
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,
junk
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food
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 and sweet drinks have bad effects on
students
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'
health
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. Because
,
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apply
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 that will make the student become lazy, obese, anxious, slow recall, and probably develop diabetes.
For example
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, many young people in my country aren't aware of their
health
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, and they don’t have the energy to do anything like work out
,
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;
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 they choose to stay in bed
,
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apply
show examples
 because of the habit of eating
junk
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food
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 in
schools
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.
Therefore
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, if
schools
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 want to increase the performance of their
students
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 and keep them fit, selling
junk
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food
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 is not a good option.
Secondly
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, there is a way for
schools
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 to make more
profit
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 by selling healthy
food
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.
Schools
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 can sell healthier options of
food
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.
Check wording
options.
show examples
For example
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, fruit, vegetables, juice, and salad. By doing
this
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,
schools
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 can still make a
profit
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while
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 giving benefits to the student,
such
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 as better immunity and good physical
health
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.
In addition
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,
schools
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 can get more
profit
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 when they have healthy
students
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, which means the student
health
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 allocation will decrease. In conclusion, it is negative for
schools
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 to make a
profit
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 by selling
junk
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food
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, because many
students
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 will become lazier and obese.
Besides
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 that,
schools
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 can still make more money by selling healthy
food
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 like juice and salad.

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task response
Task response: Your view is clear and you give some reasons. To raise score, add more strong ideas and more facts. Use at least two clear examples.
coherence
Coherence and cohesion: Each paragraph should cover one main idea. Start with a topic sentence. Use linking words to show how ideas fit.
grammar
Grammar and accuracy: Check small errors. For example, use 'students' not 'the student', 'become' not 'becomes' after 'students'. Watch word form and punctuation.
lexical
Vocabulary: Use exact words and avoid repeated phrases. Keep the meaning clear with simple but precise words.
strength
Clear position that junk food is bad
strength
Easy to read with simple words
strength
Use of signpost words (First, Second, In conclusion)
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