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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The table below gives information about students studying in six departures at a Australian university in 2011

The table below gives information about students studying in six departures at a Australian university in 2011
The table below illustrates how
much
Fix the agreement mistake
many
show examples
 students studying
departments
Change preposition
in departments
show examples
 (6 departures)
including
Punctuation problem
, including
show examples
 female, first
language
Use synonyms
 is not
Use synonyms
english
Fix capitalization
English
show examples
 and born outside Australia, in 2011.
Overall
Linking Words
,
English
Use synonyms
 was learned
most
Correct article usage
the most
show examples
 by
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 as it had the highest percentage
between
Change preposition
among
show examples
 all departments,
math
Use synonyms
 was common
between
Change preposition
among
show examples
 people whose first
language
Use synonyms
 is not
English
Use synonyms
 and individuals who
born
Verb problem
were born
show examples
 outside Australia mostly studied
physics
Use synonyms
.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, most
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 studied
English
Use synonyms
 and Modern Languages, 73%, 68% respectively.
While
Linking Words
 history and
Physics
Use synonyms
 showed
really
Correct article usage
a really
show examples
 similar pattern,
math
Use synonyms
 and chemistry were very low. (17%, 15%). Regarding whose
language
Use synonyms
 is not
Use synonyms
English
Punctuation problem
English,
show examples
 they commonly learned
math
Use synonyms
, chemistry and history, all of them about 40%.
Physics
Use synonyms
 was learned
38
Change preposition
at 38
show examples
% and the slightest departure was modern
language
Use synonyms
.
Initially
Linking Words
, People who
born
Verb problem
were born
show examples
 outside Australia didn't show low percentages
,
Punctuation problem
.
show examples
Physics
Use synonyms
 was 56% and the same pattern could be observed in
Math
Use synonyms
. Modern Languages and
English
Use synonyms
 percentages were similar
nearly
Rephrase
apply
show examples
(20%).
While
Linking Words
 history showed 31%, chemistry showed double more number.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words language, english, math, physics with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "showed" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
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