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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some parents buy their children a large number of toys to play with. What are the advantages and disadvantages for the child of having a large number of toys?

There are a number of parents who prefer to buy a lot of
toys
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 for their child. Having a large number of
toys
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 could be beneficial or harmful to a child.
This
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 essay will discuss
the
Correct article usage
apply
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both sides. Depending on the
toys
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, the advantages may vary.
Firstly
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,
toys
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such
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 as chess, Sudoku and puzzles
increase
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 the critical thinking ability of
children
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.
For example
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, a large number of scientific studies found that, if
children
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 play chase, their neural activity increases by a certain percentage.
Secondly
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, some toy brings learning opportunities for kids. Communication skills cloud be an example for that. Some
toys
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 demand interaction between players, which can help them to
increase
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 their ability to communicate with others. It is
also
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 found that some kinds of
toys
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increase
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 the physical ability of
children
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 ,
such
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 as cycling, cricket and spinning. These types of
toys
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also
Verb problem
are also
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benefited
Replace the word
beneficial
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 for health and fitness.
Therefore
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, it could be said that
,
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apply
show examples
toys
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 have advantages , but it depends on their categories.
Although
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toys
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 have many benefits,
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
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 have some other sides as well.
Children
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 may spend a large amount of time
by
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apply
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playing with their
toys
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 , which may hamper their other activities.
For example
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, if a kid spends a lot of time on the playground, it could affect their study.
Furthermore
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, technical
toys
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 have some health impacts.
For instance
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, studies show that
toys
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,
such
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 as video games, that require a lot of screen time have effects on the attention of
children
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.
Besides
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, if a child gets more
toys
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then
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than
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 their demand for
toys
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 will
increase
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 , which has negative sides
also
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. In conclusion, it can be said that
,
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apply
show examples
 having a large amount of
toys
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 has both advantages and disadvantages.

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coherence
Use a clear topic sentence for each paragraph. Start with one main idea and then give a reason or example.
content
Improve accuracy by not stating facts you cannot back up. Stick to simple, true ideas.
grammar
Check grammar: fix 'it have' to 'it has', 'a lot of toys' not 'a lot of toy', and other errors.
lexical
Use easy words and short lines. Do not make long, hard sentences.
organization
Structure: Introduction, 2 body parts (pros and cons), and a short conclusion. Keep sentences short.
task response
End with a strong line that matches the task question.
content
The essay shows both sides of the issue.
structure
There is a clear conclusion.
content
Some good ideas on thinking and social skills from toys.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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