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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

People are of the opinion that children’s behavior should be controlled by their parents and teachers. Others do believe that children should be free to do as they like. Discuss both views and state your opinion

Some people argue that
behaviour
Correct article usage
the behaviour
show examples
 of youngsters should be supervised by mentors or parents in order to ensure their
well being
Use the right word
well-being
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
, others opine that their choices
shiould
Correct your spelling
should
 not be limited. In my opinion, their activities and
habbits
Correct your spelling
habits
 should be closely monitored by adults as young brains tend to make impulsive moves. On the one hand, if children can freely make their choices, they will be more confident in what they are doing. Because they will
analyze
Change the spelling
analyse
show examples
 before making a choice and
weight
Use the right word
weigh
show examples
 the
positive
Fix the agreement mistake
positives
show examples
 and
negitives
Correct your spelling
negatives
 of every case.
Furthermore
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, they know their limitations, which will help them
to
Verb problem
apply
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make a wise choice.
Thus
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, they will excel in their
choosen
Correct your spelling
chosen
 pathway.
For instance
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, high school students
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 who selected their own subjects often outperformed
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
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 who
got
Verb problem
were
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 enrolled
in
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particular
Correct article usage
a particular
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 subject because of
parent's
Check wording
parents'
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 pressure.
On the other hand
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,
although
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 peers deciding for themselves often have great performance,
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
choices made without mentorship can sometimes harm them. As
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 it is a
well known
Use the right word
well-known
show examples
 fact that a child's mind is always attracted to temptations. Sometimes those temptations can be wonderful, but they can
also
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 be
disasterous
Correct your spelling
disastrous
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such
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, such
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 as
;
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 drugs, reckless behaviour and so on. They can not differentiate between right
or
Correct word choice
and
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 wrong without guidance. So, without someone guiding them,
chances
Correct article usage
the chances
show examples
 of children selecting wrong deeds are quite high.
Therefore
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, adult supervision is mandatory for them. In conclusion, letting children handle their own matters is a huge risk
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 it might lead them towards
dark
Correct article usage
a dark
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 future,
instead
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 of making them successful. An
indvidual's
Correct your spelling
individual's
 character shaped with good mentorship
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 creates a good human being.

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task response
Your task has a view but needs stronger balance and more detail. Add more evidence and clear stance in conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Improve how ideas are linked. Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence and use simple connectives to show flow.
lexical
Check spelling and use common words. Avoid hard or rare words.
grammar
Fix grammar mistakes and short sentences, use simple structures.
content
Use more examples beyond one, and make sure they support your point.
intent
Clear view is given and you state your own opinion at the end.
structure
Use of signposts like 'On the one hand' and 'On the other hand' shows structure.
example
An example is provided to support the idea.
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