IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Many children today are overweight and unhealthy. Give reasons for this and give solutions to fix this problem.

The world
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 and society
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 greatly changed. Many
chilldren
Correct your spelling
children
 today are unhealthy.
This
Linking Words
 is because they suffer from being overweight.
This
Linking Words
 essay will examine the reasons for
this
Linking Words
 and
give
Verb problem
provide
show examples
 solutions to solve
this
Linking Words
 problem . Eating healthy
food
Use synonyms
 is a very important part of everyone’s life. Recently
in
Punctuation problem
, in
show examples
 our
society
Punctuation problem
society,
show examples
 a lot of
people
Use synonyms
 are eating unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 that leads them to obesity .
Firstly
Linking Words
,
One
Fix capitalization
one
show examples
 of the main reasons that children are overweight is cause
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 junk
food
Use synonyms
 . We’re plenty of their meals
contains
Correct subject-verb agreement
contain
show examples
 very high amounts of fat ,oil and high calories.
Secondly
Linking Words
is that
Verb problem
,
show examples
 today Many
people
Use synonyms
 eat more than they should and don’t stick
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
calorie
Correct article usage
a calorie
show examples
 deficit.
As a
Linking Words
result
Add a comma
result,
show examples
 it
then
Linking Words
increase
Correct subject-verb agreement
increases
show examples
 their fat and
weight
Use synonyms
.
Linking Words
Moreover
Add a comma
Moreover,
show examples
 other factors of our society see that it
more
Verb problem
is more
show examples
 affordable to eat unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
.
For
Linking Words
example
Add a comma
example,
show examples
 eating a fish sandwich from
McDonald
Check wording
McDonald's
show examples
 is way
more
Fix the agreement mistake
apply
show examples
cheaper than buying from a fish restaurant.
One
Use the right word
On
show examples
 the other hand , the solution that could fix
this
Linking Words
 problem and that will reduce obesity is by following a simple plan. First is we have to let children
to stick
Correct word order
stick to
show examples
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a calorie deficit
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 means eating a specific amount of
calorie
Fix the agreement mistake
calories
show examples
 per day .By doing
so
Punctuation problem
so,
show examples
 it will prevent gaining
weight
Use synonyms
 and maintain stability in a healthy
matter
Use the right word
manner
show examples
.
Also
Linking Words
eating
Punctuation problem
, eating
show examples
 diet
food
Use synonyms
 is
an other
Use the right word
another
show examples
 important solution.
This
Linking Words
 could be a way for
people
Use synonyms
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 are very overweight for their age. Diet
food
Use synonyms
 will
then
Linking Words
 let the person eat a certain portion of
food
Use synonyms
 . It will keep the body balanced and
also
Linking Words
 lose
weight
Use synonyms
.
Linking Words
Finally
Punctuation problem
Finally,
show examples
 one of the most significant things
people
Use synonyms
 can do is to
do
Verb problem
apply
show examples
exercise . Because doing exercise not only
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 lose
weight
Use synonyms
 but
also
Linking Words
 improves
our
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
bodies
Fix the agreement mistake
body's
show examples
 function and burns all
fat
Correct article usage
the fat
show examples
 that
people
Use synonyms
 could be eating . In conclusion, it is clear to see that there are several reasons to explain why children are overweight
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 and
Linking Words
therefore
Punctuation problem
, therefore
show examples
unhealthy
Punctuation problem
, unhealthy
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
, there are many solutions available to help young
people
Use synonyms
 who suffer from obesity.

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language
Fix spelling and grammar to be clear.
structure
Group ideas in clear paragraphs with a topic sentence.
content
Use more thought and details to back up points.
style
Use linking words to move from one idea to the next.
structure
There is a plan with an intro and a end.
content
The essay shows reasons and ways to fix the problem.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • behave
  • better
  • punished
  • rewarded
  • believe
  • effective
  • arguing
  • immediately
  • unwanted
  • fear
  • pain
  • good
  • actions
  • praise
  • treated
  • learn
  • positive
  • feedback
  • happy
  • feel
  • repeat
  • future
  • create
  • problems
  • rather
  • learn
  • wrong
  • caught
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