IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

The charts show the tasks of the Australian school leavers did immediately after leaving secondary school.

The charts show the tasks of the Australian school leavers did immediately after leaving secondary school.
The graphs compare the school graduates of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Australia did promptly
after leaving
Wrong verb form
left
show examples
 middle school from 1980 to 2000.
Overall
Linking Words
, these pie charts consist of a number of great significances over a
20-years
Correct your spelling
20-year
 period.
For instance
Linking Words
, the
indications
Check wording
number
show examples
 of
employed
Check wording
people employed
show examples
 saw a considerable growth,
while
Linking Words
 the number of
unemployment
Replace the word
unemployed
show examples
 people diminished significantly in 2000. Observing the diagram in detail, the rate of
engaged
Replace the word
engagement
show examples
 in work constituted 40 % in 1980.
However
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 trend rose by 10% in 1990. One of the highest
figure
Fix the agreement mistake
figures
show examples
 of individuals on the job increased rapidly in 2000, accounting for 55%.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the
further
Linking Words
 education rate made up 50% in 1980.
On the contrary
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 activity declined considerably by 12%, which was 38% in 1990.
However
Linking Words
, the consequences of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
further
Linking Words
 education dropped slightly, constituting 37% in 2000.
Additionally
Linking Words
, the figure of jobless workers represented 10% in 1980.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, in 1990 the percentage of unemployed people
ascended
Verb problem
rose
show examples
 marginally from 10% to 12%. Unfortunately, those who without an occupation citizens rate descended sharply by 4% in 2000.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "further, however".
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "considerable" was used 2 times.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: