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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some high school students work part-time in addition to going to school. What are the advantages and disadvantages of high school students having part-time jobs? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

There is an ongoing
devate
Correct your spelling
debate
 whether high
school
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students
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 should have a part-
time
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work
Check wording
job
show examples
 or not. I firmly believe that disadvantages outweigh advantages, and high
school
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students
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 should spend more
time
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on studying and
Correct word order
studying and on
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 other
school
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activities
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 rather than working. On the one hand, there
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 a lot to learn from
work
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especially
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, especially
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 when they are young.
It is clear that
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 part-
time
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 jobs can play a crucial role in learning necessary life skills
such
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 as communication, problem-solving, critical thinking, and
team
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teamwork
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work
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. It is a good opportunity to meet different age groups of people
and
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, and
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students
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 can experience many new things through
work
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.
For instance
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, my friend worked for
McDonald
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McDonald's
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 and she always seemed very excited meeting new people, learning new skills, and earning some money to spend on what she wanted.
However
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,
on the other hand
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, high
school
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 is only for three years, and I strongly think that
students
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 should spend their limited
time
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 on
school
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activities
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such
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 as studying, club
activities
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such
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 as sports, music, and art, and going out with
your
Correct pronoun usage
their
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 friends to pursue
your
Correct pronoun usage
their
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 interests. If you graduate from
schools
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school
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, your working journey starts almost forever;
therefore
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, it is the best
time
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 to spend most of your
time
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to create
Wrong verb form
creating
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 good memories with your friends and
focus
Wrong verb form
focusing
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 on what you want to concentrate on.
For example
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, I joined a Japanese archery club when I was
at
Change preposition
in
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 high
school
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, and I learned not only the technique of the sport itself, but
also
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 how to deal with others
including
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, including
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 friends, seniors of the club, and teachers. A friendship and memories back
then
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 support me as a strength
even
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, even
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 now
whenever
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, whenever
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 I am stressed or hurt.
Therefore
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, I believe that there
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 a lot to learn from
school
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activities
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 and
students
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 should not
work
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 if there is no need. In conclusion,
although
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 working experiences can contribute to
enhance
Wrong verb form
enhancing
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students
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' life skills, part-
time
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 jobs are not necessary because they can learn other important things at
school
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. It is the best
time
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only
Verb problem
to focus only
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focusing
Verb problem
apply
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on what you are interested
;
Change preposition
in; therefore
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therefore
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, they should spend more
time
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 on studying and
school
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activities
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 rather than part-
time
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works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
.

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structure
Break the task into two clear parts: say what good things a job can bring, then what bad things can happen. Finish with your own view in a short last part.
grammar
Use only simple grammar and spell careful. Fix small errors like 'team work' → 'teamwork' and 'high schools' → 'high school'.
coherence
Make ideas flow with steps such as first, also, then, finally. Use these words to help the reader see how you plan your points.
position
Clear view that work should not be a must for students and you give a strong reason.
evidence
Use of real examples from life (McDonald job and archery club) to back up points.
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